Sometimes you simply do not like your kid’s friends. They may not have the look, the attitude, or the demeanor you want your children to associate with. Maybe they are controlling. Maybe they are manipulative. Maybe they are making your child act ways that they normally do not act. So what can you do when you do not like your kid’s friends?
When to step in and when to step back: The first thing you have to recognize is that even though you may not like your child’s friends, it is not entirely up to you who they hang out with. So, as a parent, you are not to decide if you like the friend or not, but whether or not the friend is going to be hurtful to your child. If they have a friend with punk rocker hair, and a few ugly piercings, it may appear like a bad idea, but sometimes it is the friend that looks normal that is encouraging your child to do drugs, defy you, cut classes, etc. So, evaluate how your child acts, and whether or not you should step in and forbid your child from seeing the friend or not. In many cases forbidding your kid from a friend can almost inevitably ensure that they will want to see them more. So, be careful about who you step in to keep your child from. In most situations friendships will run their course quickly, and will be over before you ever have to worry.
Are they a bad influence? Don’t be too quick to judge. Don’t ask if they look like a bad influence, but if they are one. A boy with long hair and a leather jacket may look like a bad influence, but actually be quite the kid. So, do not judge by appearances only, and do not be too quick to judge.
Pay attention to what is going on with your child: The best way to know if you should do something about your kid’s friends is to monitor your child.
The following three areas will help:
Behavior. Are they acting normal? Are they more defiant? Are they more flippant? Are their actions more selfish? If so, chances are they are getting influence from a friend that is not good.
Grades. Are their grades staying up? Do their grades reflect their normal school habits, or have they fallen? Often a sign of a friend who is a negative influence is falling grades.
Attitude. How do they treat you? How do they treat their siblings? What kind of attitude do they have?
Make your home somewhere they want to hang out: If you do not like your kid’s friends, the best thing you can do is monitor their interactions as much as you can without being a controlling parent. Do this by making your home a fun place to hang out. Make it somewhere kids want to spend time, so that when they do hang out, it is in your home.
Sometimes, you simply have to forbid your child from someone because it is bad for them to be around them.
What to do when you are forbidding them from specific friends:
Stay calm, stay logical. If you shout, then things get out of control, so don’t shout, and don’t let them shout at you. Also, be sure that you are specific. You have to give reasons why you do not like someone, and how it affects your child. For example, do not say “They smell like smoke.” As how they smell does not affect your child’s well-being. But, “You are getting harder to reason with, and have a shorter temper.” That is a good way to show them what you specifically are having a problem with.
Help them replace their friend with something or someone else. If you do not like your kid’s friends, you can’t expect them to just give them up, you have to help them find something to replace it. Sign them up for a sport or activity they are interested in. Give them lessons, etc.
Or, Wait it out! Sometimes your child’s own best judgment will aid them in the end.
It isn’t always easy to identify “good” friends or “bad” friends. In one instance the friend seemed to be a great kid, polite, well behaved, and never said or did anything questionable. It was much later that I learned he was violent to his mother. Fortunately the bad behavior didn’t rub off.