You love your kids and, make no mistake about it, they know it.
You tell them regularly that you love them, you take good care of them, and you shower them with hugs and kisses. When you discipline them you make sure that they understand that it’s only their behavior you dislike — you don’t love them any less because they act up or disobey. But is it enough for your children to just know that you love them? Do they know that you’re also proud of them?
Monday night in our house is Dad’s night. Mom teaches dance classes starting at 4:00 and doesn’t get home until after bedtime, so that means I get to be in charge of dinner, evening free time, bath time, and putting the kids to bed. It means I’m also exclusively responsible for mediating arguments, doling out punishment, and otherwise ensuring that my wife’s efforts to raise good kids aren’t completely reversed in a 5 hour period. It’s a taller task than it might sound.
Sometimes, Mondays are easy. Other times, Mondays are more than a little frustrating. They almost always have more “Daniel took my pillow”s and “Lizzie keeps putting her feet on me”s than I would like. But at the end of the night, I’m always glad to have a chance to tuck my kids into bed, and to make sure they know how much I love them, and how proud I am to be their dad. And I make it a key point to separate those two things.
I’m Proud of You Because I Know You
When I tell my kids I’m proud of them, I’m speaking to their character. I’m saying, “I know what you are capable of, and I want you to live up to it — even if you fell short today. You are good, smart children. I believe in you.” This is particularly true when you can tell them you are proud of them, uncoupled from a specific action. I’ll still tell them I’m proud of them when they share without being forced to, or when they sincerely apologize without prompting, but there’s something special about an unattached “I’m proud of you” that will linger in the heart of a child longer than more direct praise.
Benefits To Children
Telling your kids that you not only love them, but are proud of them benefits them in many ways:
- It increases their self-confidence
- It serves as positive reinforcement of good behavior
- It builds a stronger parent-child bond
- It instills a desire in children to set and live up to high expectations
Telling your child that you’re proud of him or her won’t magically curb problem behavior, raise test scores, or create family harmony. But over time, it has the power to significantly influence all of these things. So if you can’t remember the last time you told your son or daughter that you were proud of him or her, do so today.
Emily
jmacek07
parenting coach
Portable Grill
I totally agree here – I’m an adult and still care about making my parents proud. For my kids I need to give them encouragement and remember to always support them.
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Eppie Vojt Reply:
April 7th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
@Amber – Thanks for your comments. It’s funny how we don’t lose the desire to make our parents proud, no matter how old we get. I’m 29 now and it still makes me feel good when my parents say they are proud of me also.
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I disagree with general character praise. Research shows that praising your child’s specific actions, especially effort or progress in an area of difficulty, does more to build self-esteem and character than blanket statements.
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@momznite – Thanks for the feedback. Any chance you could supply a link to some of the research you mention? I agree that praising specific actions is effective (and I still advocate it), but I don’t know that it nullifies the effect of additional general praise. And to be clear – while I believe in general praise, I don’t suggest it at the expense of action-specific praise. I think they work well when used in combination.
In fact, from my own personal experience as a child, uncoupled praise carried substantially more meaning than action-specific praise. I can also see a difference in the reaction of my children when I praise their character without it being preceded by a specific desired action. It’s possible that this is personality-dependent, but at a minimum, no harm is done by providing additional general praise.
The key takeaway is that we should make sure our kids know we’re proud of them. I firmly believe that a mix of action-specific and general praise is best for children, but any amount of praise is better than no praise. Let’s make our kids should feel loved and supported — let them know that we’re their “number 1 fan.”
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