When my older child was a baby, I discovered a great book called Positive Discipline. And I thought, “GREAT! This is exactly how I want to parent my precious little girl.”
The book is by Jane Nelsen, THE positive parenting pioneer. She had the following consistent message: Be kind, but firm. If you want to raise a child who is responsible, respectful, and resourceful, be kind, but firm.
The book goes on to list several ways to incorporate the “kind, but firm” positive discipline method. All of which I ignored. Because I read the “be kind” part, and totally ignored the “be firm” part for quite a few years.
And sadly, it turned me into a permissive parent that in turn did my poor daughter the disservice of thinking that everyone would cater to her every whim for life.
Permissive parenting is defined loosely as,
Indulgent parenting, also called permissive, is characterized as having few behavioral expectations for the child. ”Indulgent parenting is a style of parenting in which parents are very involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them.” Parents are nurturing and accepting, and are very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes. Indulgent parents do not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately.
Wikipedia
I wasn’t helping her by always catering to her every whim, like a permissive parent. When I started doing that, I thought it was helping her. I thought it was teaching her to feel loved. What it was slowly doing was making me resent her because I wasn’t parenting her properly.
This was not a good way to start preschool.
She didn’t handle it well because the preschool, an award winning Montessori school, had high standards for their children, one of which is to empower the child to do much more than you or I would normally think a child can do. She raged against these expectations.
And for a little while, I raged against the reports of unacceptable behavior that came home. Then it slowly dawned on me that in large part, I was the source of the problem. Because her problems weren’t only in preschool, they were almost anytime we weren’t alone with each other. I catered to her every whim, I gave her my undivided attention in an unhealthy way, and I rationalized not parenting her better and more consistently by saying she was too emotional to be pushed into it.
We had 3 very difficult years, where I had to learn how to be a better parent, she had to learn to live up to a whole set of more appropriate expectations and we (my husband and I) had to really research and see if there was anything “else” going on. Because by that time, her teacher was convinced she had a true behavioral disorder.
It required testing (at great expense). But my permissive parenting style also did this; it took away quite a few years of better parenting and therefore a better relationship with each other. That’s a hard truth to admit.
I am happy to report, that now, at 9, she is much “better” child. And by “better” I don’t mean she behaves better (though she does). It means she has a much better and more realistic sense of her role in school, social settings and with friends. I am a much “better” parent. We are all happier because we (the parents) run our household, rather than the other way around (them running us).
I know that all parents have to gain wisdom along the way. Children don’t come with manuals when they arrive. And we, as the parent, have to determine what works in our own household. I am so thankful that I “saw the light” and learned to parent better before it was too late. But I also have regret that I didn’t learn it sooner – she would have been so much better off if I had.
What about you? Have you made a change in parenting philosophy that helped your children?
Missy Bedell is the author of The Literal Mom (www.literalmom.com). She writes in an effort to help other parents on their journey.
