Treating children differently is not the same as treating them unfairly, although it can be hard for them to distinguish the two. The key is to clearly communicate with them why decisions are made, emphasizing the respect we have for each child as individuals.
My teenage daughter is relentless when it comes to one particular issue: she had to wait until she was 13 years old to ride in the front seat of the vehicle, but we sometimes allow our 12 year old son to sit there. She will roll her eyes and tout exclamations of unfair treatment. She doesn’t try to mask this as concern for the safety of her brother – she says it is simply not fair.
She recently told me that I write about lots of parenting topics, but what she wanted me to tackle next was an article about the unfairness of allowing siblings to do things at different ages. “I’d read that,” she said with an air of challenge. Well, my dear, here goes nothing.
Equality doesn’t always measure up for siblings
Parents of siblings face this challenge all the time: How do we treat children equally while allowing them to be different, and us to change and grow as parents as well?
A study from the University of Illinois finds that children are very aware when it comes to seeing that they are treated differently from their siblings by parents. However, they are not always perceptive about the reasons why the differences occur, and here is where the battles can begin.
When children don’t understand why their parents are spending more time with another child it can lead to real feelings of envy and insignificance. If one child appears to have more privileges than another, sibling rivalry and conflicts with parents can easily escalate. Researchers in the Illinois study reported that when parents take the time to explain why there are differences, children will be more receptive. Furthermore, when siblings feel there is equity and understand the reasons for differences, they are more likely to get along with and support each other.
We have a wooden door frame on which we measure the height of our children throughout each year. They giggle at comparisons of who was taller when, who grew the most, and who is already taller than I. As siblings will do, they also measure each other in many other ways.
I have not found, however, a study that helps me explain to my daughter how parents don’t measure their children against each other and then follow the exact guidelines for each child. Hopefully we see them and ourselves as creatures who are growing and changing. I won’t make perfect decisions, but I will do everything I can to treat all of my children with fairness and equality while respecting their individuality. I also have to make room for my own needs and capabilities to change along with theirs.
Finding My Own Balance of Equality
I am not the same parent I was when I first held my daughter more than 15 years ago. I made decisions for her that I thought would help her grow and develop into a healthy person. Maybe I was stricter on the front seat rule because I read a report years ago that influenced me. Perhaps it was because I held her tiny hands during epileptic seizures year after year and I am more paranoid about her health. Maybe it just goes back to that height chart in the basement that clearly shows my son is taller than my daughter was at that same age of 12 and can wear the seat belt more safely. It also shows that I haven’t changed in height, but what it doesn’t measure are the changes I have gone through the past 15 years as Mom.
Yes, my dear daughter, this study shows that the rear seat is safer until the child is 13 years old. At the end of the day, I am OK with your brother sitting in the front seat. I am not trying to be unfair to you, nor am I trying to favor your brother by saving him the back-seat agony you had to endure.
Our family, just like millions around the world, grows and changes all of the time. If I treat all of my children the same, that means that we can never grow as individuals. Instead, I hope that I can try to balance raising 4 children who are all parts of a loving family while treating them as fairly as possible. I also hope that my daughter will someday know that I love her enough to write an article just for her – even though her brothers might not find that fair.
