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Teach Your Child to Manage Money

Chris Oldenburg — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 12:21:27 +0000

Money doesn’t grow on trees. And it is sometimes hard for children to fully grasp all of the intricacies involved with money management. It is not enough to teach children to save money – we need to focus on teaching our children how to manage money. Just as healthy eating is only one part of raising a healthy child, putting money in the bank is only part of raising financially secure people.

The Language of Money

Have you ever found yourself saying, “I can’t buy that for you – I don’t have the money” or “that is too much money” when your child begs for that amazingly awesome alien that spits green goo? Those answers might seem like easy, harmless ways to teach children about money management, but you might be doing more harm than you realize.

The language you use about money tells your child how money fits into your life and your decisions. While the truth might be that you don’t have extra money to spend on the green goo spitter, you do two things that set your kids up for failure when you give answers like the examples above.

You indicate that if you actually had the money, that you would buy the toy. Is this really the truth? Do you really want a green goo spitter in the house? Does your child really need another toy to add to the clutter? I’m guessing that most of us still would not randomly just buy the latest fad toys to fill our homes, even if we had the means to spend frivolously at our disposal.
You teach your child that money gives you power, and you are powerless without it. While some of us might nods our head and say yes, the world does work that way, it is important for our kids to learn that we still have the power to control our financial decisions. Even if we only have $25 to our name, we still have the choice how to spend that money. We might know that we need it for food for our family – even though technically we could buy a new toy. It is about choices.

To answer the pleas for toys, trips to the mall, and endless dinners out it is better to be proactive. Start with the language you use about money and your own finances. The next time your child pleads for that toy in the window, put yourself in control of the situation and the money. Say something such as:

That toy costs $(fill in with amount of money). I am not going to choose to spend my money on the toy. It is not a need that our family has right now. If it is something you truly want, you can save your money for it.

Identifying Needs vs. Wants

Using this type of approach gives you the control over your money, and it also helps distinguish for your kids the differences between needs and wants. When your children hear you openly discussing the differences they learn to identify those in their own lives.

Create an age appropriate list of the needs of the family (shelter, food, insurance, etc.).
Create another age appropriate list of the wants in your family (newer vehicle, vacation, cable/satellite television, membership to the museum, etc.).
Help your kids identify which ones are priorities.
Give your children real world examples of how much each of these items on both lists cost.

Help Your Children Create a Budget

Money management is difficult to teach effectively unless your children have access to their own or are openly involved in family finances. Helping them create a budget, even at very young ages, can be one of the best lifelong gifts you can give your child. Remember – it is about developing a sense of power and control over the finances and not letting the money control you.

Give your kids access to money, whether it is their allowance, birthday money, or cash earned from chores in the neighborhood.
Give your kids opportunities to spend money – it is the only way they can understand how to use it. If you always keep their money and never let them spend it, they won’t learn how to budget.
Set up some guidelines for spending, saving, and giving. One way to do this is to say 1/3 for saving, 1/3 for spending, and 1/3 for giving (charity, church offerings, birthday gifts for friends/siblings).
Discourage spending on whims. Kids who bring money to the mall usually end up spending money at the mall, even if they never had any focused intention of spending it. I have my children plan their purchases and the younger ones aren’t allowed to just bring money “in case” while we are shopping. Our rule is 24 hours to plan for small purchases and 3 days for larger purchases. My kids rarely go back and buy the item they thought they couldn’t live without after they have had time to think about it.
Teach your kids about savings accounts, interest, and real world situations of bills and financial responsibility. Show them the electric bill or take a poll to see who can estimate to the closest amount how much money insurance is each month.
Be a good role model. Our children soak in our spending habits like a dry sponge set out in a rainstorm. Remember to use proactive and positive language that reaffirms that while money is necessary for many things in our life, we are the ones who are in control of the decisions about how to spend it, how to save it, and how to use it best.

Make Room for Your Child’s Imaginary Friend

Chris Oldenburg — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 11:26:12 +0000

The time we actually set the table for Oval and Charlie, the intriguing house guests who always graced our home alongside our 2 year-old son, I remember the look on my husband’s face. It clearly said, “Do you think it is time for them to leave?” He wasn’t being a rude host. He was concerned about the two imaginary friends our son created, just as we moved into our new home in a new neighborhood. Actually, he was concerned that the 2 new friends meant that our son was not handling the move and our new living arrangements well. It sounds pretty cliché, but it taught us an immense amount about our children and how imaginary friends are not only common, but should be welcomed guests in our home.

Parents used to be told to be wary of imaginary friends.

It was just a few decades ago that parenting and childhood experts such as Dr. Spock felt that when children created imaginary friends it was a sign that they were lacking an emotional connection or ability to express an emotion. Parents were warned to proactively seek out the negative reasons why their children had developed these friends and work to see them quickly out the door.

Imaginary friends have found their places in our children’s lives.

More recent and thoroughly founded research actually shows the opposite. Studies now show that children who create imaginary friends actually have high levels of creativity, richer vocabularies, and even get along better with their peers. Authors Dorothy and Jerome Singer conclude that children with imaginary friends are not typically those who are ill, socially deprived, or isolated. In their book, The House of Make-Believe they discuss how the imaginary friend is not just for the only child, but is a childhood comfort for more than 60% of young children.

Imaginary friends help children express their creativity, work through emotional situations, and provide some pure and simple fun. Rarely do imaginary friends actually signify emotional, social, or cognitive deficits.

Even if your child has an imaginary friend with a little devious side, it might just be your child’s emotional intelligence trying to work through conflicting feelings. Imaginary friends can provide safe ways for our kids to creatively try out various scenarios where the parameters are fantasy based and lack severe or detrimental consequences.

Years ago we ate meals with Oval and Charlie, included them in our bedtime stories, and indulged our son when he told us they were present. They visited our home regularly, and occasionally we could hear our son speaking to them about his favorite toys, which adventure he was planning, or even what he wanted for Christmas. Even though I was introduced to Oval on several occasions it took me a few weeks to understand that Oval was actually oval in shape and therefor had a challenging time sitting down easily. Charlie was also a unique character, a funny man who wore a fedora and baggy pants. A couple of months after we lived in our new home, Oval and Charlie stopped coming to visit. The comforting memories they gave our son still sit with all of us, including him, and we giggle about how these magical creatures became a part of our family for a short while. There were no lasting detrimental effects, no scars, and no social backward behaviors that developed as a result. It could be my mother’s bias, but I would dare to say that Oval and Charlie were lucky to meet such an amazing young man who impresses me with his maturity and sensitivity, as well as his independent strength. Go welcome your child’s imaginary friend – they too could meet an amazing person waiting to burst forth!

Why Your Child Needs a Cell Phone

Chris Oldenburg — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 14:12:12 +0000

When was the last time you were out in public and didn’t see someone with a cell phone – either chatting away or texting until their fingers were a blur? This cell phone dependency and desire is not limited to adults. According to recent research, a remarkable 84% of teens aged 15-18 own cells phones. Their younger siblings have apparently jumped onto the bandwagon as well, with 60% of tweens ages 10-14 and 22% of kids 6-9-years-old having the gadgets.

So – just because everyone else seems to have given their kids cell phones, does that mean I have to? Just to clarify, my 15 year-old has her own phone, and the kids have shared another cell phone for a few years, each one being able to take it when they go somewhere without me or their dad. However, I am extremely far from purchasing phones for my 8 & 10 year olds so they can text with their friends and have instant access to the world from their tree fort. Now I am on the fence with my 12-year-old. Does he need a cell phone or simply want one like I wanted a pink Walkman I could take on the bus to volleyball practice in 8^th grade? Perhaps our kids need cell phones simply because as parents we need them to have them.

Safety

This is my number one reason for getting cell phones for my kids, and for considering purchasing another one. I am not alone in this perception, nor is it an unreasonable reason. Research from the Pew Internet & American Life Project shows that 74% of cell phone owners report having used their cell phones in emergencies. Way back in the day my parents used to make sure that I carried a quarter with me so that I could call them for a ride, to let them know where I was, or in case of emergency, using any of the hundreds of pay phones that once dotted the landscapes where teenagers would hang out.

For all of those worries I have as a parent, a cell phone does provide peace of mind, even if my kids are never actually in a dangerous situation. I text my daughter to make sure she is OK when out with friends, a subtle and unobtrusive way to stick my nose in and make sure she is safe. It also lets her stay connected with me more easily. If she is worried when I am a few minutes late or if her activity ends early, she can call or text and get a response in seconds, putting both of our minds at ease.

Convenience

Not only are cell phones tools for peace of mind, but they save me minutes that quickly turn into hours each week. Raising 4 busy children who on any given day can be spread out across several towns or cities at various events is a daily achievement in time management and multi-tasking. Cell phones let me keep up with them, their schedules, and my husband, coordinating our time and wasting less of it.

Concerns

Whether or not you own a cell phone, you have probably heard the conflicting reports about their safe use, especially by children. Radiation-emitting products are of health safety concerns, and cell phones do fall into that category. However, according to the FDA, there is no research that clearly states that cell phones do not have any relations to health problems. The FDA does promote the idea that further research is needed, especially for long-term use and among the pediatric population. To keep it in perspective, at this time cell phones are ranked at the same level of carcinogenic exposure as coffee and talc powder.

Probably bigger safety concerns about cell phone use and children are related to distracted driving and bullying via technology. Even though many states are making it illegal to text and drive and are imposing strict regulations on cell phone use and teen drivers, the message isn’t always getting through. Parents must be proactive and help their children be safe cell phone users in a few simple steps.

Set a good example. Even though it is SO tempting, don’t talk on your cell phone, even where it is legal, while driving.
Never text and drive.
If you must communicate while driving, have your kids relay messages over your phone. Many times I’ve had my kids tell me who is calling, have them answer my phone, and then act as my personal assistant while I concentrate on driving.
Set clear guidelines and follow through with the consequences if your child fails to follow them.
Make sure your children understand that what is sent in a text can and will be used against you someday. Teach them respectful texting just as you teach them other respectful behaviors.
Keep tabs on your kids’ cell phones. Check cell phone records and know who they are communicating with each day. If you don’t know who owns the numbers, find out.

As I move through the years with my children and work to communicate with them, stay connected with them, and keep them safe, cell phones seem to be natural parts of the equation in a world where instant access is commonplace. For our family cell phones have not been interruptions in our lives. I don’t plant to give up real face-to-face quality interactions any time soon, but I do plan to take advantage of the benefits of technology. I never did get that pink Walkman – maybe it was because my mom didn’t need me to have it.

Tips for Creative Summer Fun with Your Kids

Chris Oldenburg — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 10:46:11 +0000

Summer is a time of beaches, sand, swimming, hiking, camping, and other family outdoor activities. Sometimes, however, even the biggest fan of the local swimming pool needs a change of pace. Here are some creative and goofy ways you can incorporate even more fun into summer days with your kids.

Bring on the pirates! Turn the yard or your living room into rough, pirating waters. Turn boxes into ships of legends and grab red bandanas for costumes. Create a treasure hunt for the kids by making a map and soaking the paper in a few tablespoons of cold coffee or tea for an authentic look. If you are really feeling creative, burn the edges of the paper and roll it up and seal it with wax. Use landmarks (swing sets, the tree in the backyard, the toy box, etc.). If you are able, actually bury the treasure, protected in a shoe box or small plastic tote, in the yard, a garden, or the sandbox. If digging is not an option, use something else that the kids will have to uncover to find the treasure. Chocolate coins and play jewelry are basic treasure fill items, but you can add things like fun pencils, sunglasses, water bottles, or a coupon to stay up late to watch shooting stars.

Mow the lawn in a goofy pattern – a miniature baseball diamond, soccer field, football field, or even gigantic hop-scotch grid! Just lower the blades on the mower and create some original backyard fun! My kids love to use the football field grid I mow to play other games, such as Ships Across the Ocean, or even just to use it as a square track for running. If you have limited space, use lawn-friendly spray paint from your local hardware store and create a design that will wash away in a couple of days. You could paint a target for bean bags or just straight lines for fall-proof balance beams for the youngest kids.

Have a bike wash station and invite the neighbors! Put a new twist on neighborhood car washes and set up kid friendly bike and wagon washing stations. Fill large totes or dish pans with soapy water, collect rags or sponges and add those to a bucket, and get out the WD40 or another grease-cutter for sprucing up those gears. Finish off the washing station with a box of bike decorating supplies. These can include old decks of cards for the spokes, miniature license plates with letter and number stickers (made from rectangular plastic storage ware lids with holes punched through the top for tying to bikes), small baskets to attach with zip ties, or glitter glue and stickers for decorating those hand-me-down bikes that have seen better days. Don’t forget to spruce up your own bike and then have a parade down the sidewalk!

Blow bubbles. Yes – it is a standard summer activity for young kids, but you can make this one more memorable by grabbing a kiddie pool and filling it with a couple of gallons of bubble liquid. Large quantities of bubble liquid can often be found inexpensively at dollar or general stores, and you can add dish detergent for stronger creations. Instead of using small hand wands, have your child stand on a small stool in the middle of the pool and try to pull a bubble up and around him by using a hula hoop.

Serve everything on a stick. Summer is the quintessential time of county and state fairs where everything you can imagine eating is served on a stick – even candy bars and pizza. Create your own concoctions and serve an entire meal on a stick. You can grill hot dogs and slide them onto skewers before serving, take paper cups and freeze yogurt smoothies in them with craft sticks for handles, or cover a stick, dip it in honey or peanut butter, and then roll it in cereal, nuts, raisins, or trail mix. Chill or freeze before serving. There are almost no limits to what you can serve on a stick for backyard summer fun!

Other fun things to do with your kids this summer

Decorate flip flops with fabric paints or by tying short strips of fabric to the straps.
Go on a bird tagging expedition with a local ornithologist group.
Try geocaching or letterboxing.
Press flowers into large books to frame or use as artwork.
Head to the ice rink to cool off on a hot day.
Get a bug ID chart online, at the library or bookstore, and go on a backyard bug hunt.
Find a drive-in movie theatre and order some popcorn!
Go metal detecting at local sand pit volleyball court.

Why Your Child Needs Art

Chris Oldenburg — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:56:59 +0000

What does the research show?

Studies show there is one thing you can do for your children that will increase their overall brain functioning capabilities, improve cognitive and creative skills, raise their self-esteem levels, and set foundations for cooperative, balanced relationships. Sign them up for art class.

Actually, the exposure to the arts does not have to come in the formal setting of a classroom. In fact, in some situations it is better for children to have access to art mediums in less confined and regulated settings. Whether your child takes music lessons, is involved in a drama club, or is creating the most amazing sidewalk chalk art on the block, the time spent in art related activities will improve more than just their chances of winning an art award.

In a 2009 study, researchers found that young students who received music lessons had dramatically improved test scores on reading and language capabilities. Other studies have shown that music integration, even just listening to music for at least an hour each day, improves mathematical and computational skills. Children also have improved academic scores when they have opportunities to explore other art mediums such as painting, sculpting, and drawing. When art is integrated into other subjects students are able to form connections and better understandings of the other subject. Some schools have integrated art into social studies and science and have seen great results for their students.

How can I expose my child to art?

If your child attends one of the numerous schools where art has been taken off of the menu, or you are just looking for other ways to nurture your child on your own, there are numerous ways you can foster their exposure to the arts.

Start early. Studies show that even for infants, exposure to music is beneficial. Preschool age students are also at heightened levels of cognitive development where art can provide many benefits.
Try lots of different things. Not every child will be inclined to pick up a paint brush, but art doesn’t have to be defined as something you hang on the wall. Dancing, singing, role playing, and building with blocks are all forms of art.
Help young kids create their own instruments. Paper plate maracas, pots and pans with spoons (aka baby drums), paper towel tube rain sticks, rubber band banjos, and so many other around the house instruments can be created on a rainy afternoon.
Try lessons. These don’t have to be formal, expensive hours each week. We started with Grandma teaching the kids piano – a wonderful experience for everyone – then moved on to formal lessons. From there one son has moved to the guitar, and another the harmonica. Music is more than just playing an instrument for my kids; it is an extension of themselves. Yesterday my daughter played piano at a nursing home for the resident’s birthday party where she loved to share her joy with others. When she feels stressed she heads for the piano and lets her fingers release tension as they move across the keys.
Let them get messy – beyond the traditional paint smock in kindergarten class. Let your kids finger paint, squish clay, spray paint their playhouse, finger-paint the sidewalk, and make stepping stones for the garden without hovering with a holster of cleaning supplies at their elbows. Invest in a few drop cloths and some good soap and let your children enjoy the action of art.
Get creative yourself and think outside the art classroom. One of my children’s favorite art activities was when we explored the artwork of Michelangelo. Instead of just looking at books, we attended a traveling exhibit of Vatican artwork where a miniature work station replica of the famous artist was recreated in which we could walk through. I also set up ladders in my own entry way, used painters tape to cover the ceiling with butcher paper, and the kids got to be Michelangelo for a day as they climbed the ladders to paint on the ceiling – our own version of the Sistine Chapel.

Art is not just for those select few kids who are sometimes labeled and seen as different from the rest of the herd moving through hallways at schools. Professional athletes use ballet to strengthen their muscles and scientists use music to further their cognitive capabilities. Encourage your children to explore art, take them to art exhibits and concerts, and support their artistic interpretations. Even if your child attends a school that does not emphasize art, find a way to give your child the gifts that the arts can provide.

Why Your Kids Should Be Online

Chris Oldenburg — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 13:03:51 +0000

There seems to be a new headline each week about a child put in danger because of internet activities or inappropriate connections made between ill-purposed adults and children. As a parent the internet can be a scary place to send my kids (scarier than many ‘real world’ places), but there are some wonderful and amazing possibilities that are available to our kids online. We just have to be open to the myriad of options and ready to guide our kids in ways that will empower them to make safe and responsible decisions.

How is the internet great for my kids?

Whether or not we like it, the internet is the current on which much of our world travels. Everything – schools, jobs, health issues, vast amounts of research, games, and more – can all be found at the click of a mouse button. Even though there are more questionable or inappropriate sources on the web than I care to think about, just a click away from my child, there are still many ways the internet benefits their daily lives.

Social networking – Even if you are not on Facebook and have never considered creating your own web site, your children are growing up in an era where these technology based networking tools will most likely be beneficial, if not necessary. Some scientists are concerned that too much social networking is detrimental to the positive developments of our children’s communication skills, but as with so many things our children do, moderation is key. It is important to help them set up their accounts (and have access to their passwords), follow age guidelines, and frequently check in to see how the networking is going. Social networking has given my children many opportunities to connect with friends and family members with whom they might not otherwise get to share a portion of their lives.

Online forums and groups – Everywhere we turn there are groups and forums on every topic imaginable. These offer opportunities for our kids to meet people of similar interests from whom they can learn valuable information. Again, monitoring is important, but don’t keep your kids away from online groups entirely. Just as our parents taught us how to be respectful, polite, and well-behaved in public, our generation needs to teach children how to maneuver through online forums and groups. A study published in Pediatrics – Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, cites research that shows that an extremely large portion of our children’s emotional and social developmental states are occurring online. As parents to this generation we need to be there to support our children as they move through these stages, instead of trying to keep them away from a world where 99% of schools in America use the internet and at least 70% of kids access it from home.

Research – I sometimes find myself envious of the speed at which my kids can find information that seemed like a distant treasure for me as a child. I am still a proponent of teaching kids to use pencils, papers, and good old fashioned rummaging for information, but I temper that with teaching them skills for online research. This includes how to choose sites that contain facts versus fantastical almost facts, as well as looking for more than just one or two sources.

Keeping them as safe as possible, while still giving them online wings

For 6 months my daughter begged me to let her place an ad on Craigslist for dog agility equipment. I hesitated for 2 reasons – 1. Our yard can only hold so much! 2. I was worried about who might contact her or try to scam her. I decided to place some strict ground rules and she placed the ad, eventually hearing from a woman who was interested in selling her pieces. Not only was my daughter able to purchase the equipment she wanted, but she ended up meeting a fellow dog agility fanatic who has turned into a great supporter for my daughter’s passion. Had I not allowed this online exchange, my daughter would not have the equipment, but more importantly, not made this great connection to a wonderful woman. There are several things we can do as parents to keep our kids safe while letting them explore online opportunities.

Place the computer in a central location so that a mom randomly walking by can see what might be on the screen.
Use child-safety software filters or blocks for extra insurance.
Set limits on time spent online. The fewer hours they spend each week the more likely they are to have positive experiences.
Set daytime hours of operation. Surfing the web at night is like letting your kids drive around town after midnight – certain negative things are just more likely to happen.
Agree to ground rules and guidelines. Talk about search engines, keeping names, ages, and locations private, and the importance of asking questions if they are concerned or confused.
Choose some specific sites. Perhaps you just want to start with a few pre-approved bookmarked sites that your kids are free to explore, then you can move gradually from there.
Communicate with your kids often. Check in with them to see if they are having any issues online, and let them know that you just want to talk about their online use, not shut them down the second they have a concern. If they don’t feel threatened that their privileges will be revoked for accidentally opening a site for Las Vegas adult themed costumes, when they were searching for bunny costumes for Halloween (yes – it happens in the blink of a virtual eye), they will be more likely to learn from these mistakes and keep you in the online loop.

Why You Should Put Your Kids to Work

Jennifer Harms — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 11:00:42 +0000

If your kids are anything like mine, they would much prefer playing with their friends or watching TV to cleaning their rooms or loading the dishwasher. Some people argue that, by not instilling a strict work ethic into our kids at a young age, we are encouraging them to be lazy, make poor life decisions, and are not adequately preparing them for the future. I’m all for a little manual labor, especially if it means my house is cleaner, so here are some of the reasons I’ve learned that we should all crack that whip and put our kids to work!

Helping out around the house not only helps you and helps your household function, it helps kids learn the value of helping others and helping out around the house. They will grow accustomed to doing these tasks, which will better prepare them for life outside the nest.
Kids also learn that starting and finishing assigned tasks is important. This will be especially relevant during school, and later on with balancing school, work, and home responsibilities.
Finishing a task can give them a big self-esteem boost. My daughter is always so pleased with herself when she cleans her room. Frankly, so am I!

Your children will use these skills in their jobs and relationships for the rest of their lives.

Tip: When assigning your child household chores, sit down with her and talk about what she might be interested in doing. Start small, or rather, be specific with your directives, so that she does not get overwhelmed (example: put your dolls in the toy bin vs. clean up your room). Depending on the child’s age, it may be better if you help out too. Preschoolers, for example, may be wiling to help but be daunted by large tasks.

Don’t forget to reward your child with praise, a sticker, or special time with Mom and Dad. You child will want to know she is doing well and will take great pride in her accomplishments. Plus, if she has fun, she will want to keep doing it!

10 Tips for Better Communication with Your Child

Chris Oldenburg — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 12:34:06 +0000

Finding ways to talk openly with your kids and really have effective communication does not happen overnight. Even though there are days when it seems we are speaking in foreign languages, I am fortunate to have 4 children who not only don’t seem to mind talking with their parents, but who still seek out conversations with me about all sorts of topics every day. There are several approaches parents can take to encourage open communication with their children.

Make eye contact. It sounds simple enough, but how many times has your child been talking to you while you go on with your daily routine or task without looking at her face? Eye contact brings both people into the conversation at authentic levels. If you want your teenager to look you in the eye when you are discussing the really big things in life, make sure to look your 3 year old in the eye when he tells you about the dream he had when he was a pirate (even if it is the 14^th time he has told you the story).
Get down. When you’re having a conversation with young kids, get down to their level. You and your child will instantly feel more engaged in whatever you are talking about and are more likely to hear each other well. When you’re talking with older kids and teens, try to hang out on the sofa or another neutral location together as you talk and you will probably find yourself having better conversations. If you both are standing it is easier for them to just turn or walk away if the discussion gets contentious.
Don’t interrupt. It is the same thing our parents repeatedly told us, but it can be tempting as parents to hurry a child along by supplementing our own thoughts, or be in too much of a hurry with our own concerns to let our children finish their own. When we don’t interrupt our kids, it shows them that we value what they are saying, and they are worth our time.
Listen to the small stuff. Some days it can be really challenging to get excited about repeated questions, stories, or random thoughts from preschoolers, but it is important to establish a relationship where everything matters. If your kids know that you are interested in how they discovered an ant crawling across their toe as they watched television, they learn to trust that you are really there to listen to them.
Share something. If you want your kids to come and talk with you about difficult topics, you need to let them know that you aren’t a stranger to them. You don’t have to divulge your every mistake or problem, but it is good to talk with them about challenges you have faced and how you dealt with them. Give names to the feelings they might be having by giving them your own real world examples.
Don’t lose it. Kids aren’t going to come to us for advice or to share things if they have to worry about our reactions. If you are faced with a child who tells you something you really didn’t want to hear, wait 10 seconds (or longer if necessary) and then try to respond calmly. During that time remind yourself how much more upset you would be if your child didn’t come to you at all.
Read a good book. Even as my daughter prepares to go to college, we still read aloud together, as I do with my younger sons as well. Choose books with challenging scenarios and use those as topics for conversations – your kids will feel safer discussing the situations of fictitious characters and there won’t be any real world pressure on their opinions. Even just pausing during reading and asking your child what he thinks about a certain part can really open doors to topics you might not otherwise discuss.
Watch out. Keep an eye on their body language, as it can often tell us so much more about what they are trying to say. If they are fidgeting, shifting their eyes, or pacing, these can be signs that your child is really struggling with the conversation. Give them time to arrange their thoughts and use positive body language of your own. Folding your arms across your chest or tapping your fingers on the counter won’t be the most welcoming signals. Nod your head and smile to encourage them – it is amazing what a little grin from Mom or Dad can do.
Let them be seen and heard. Encourage your children to take part in other conversations, whether it is through church youth groups, clubs, or even at the family reunion. When children are given opportunities to speak with people of different backgrounds, opinions, and ideas, they learn valuable communication and critical thinking skills.
Laugh together. Make sure that you aren’t only talking to your kids about things like rules, chores, expectations, and the mundane. Tell a funny story that happened to you that day, watch a sit-com with your teenager, and listen to the made-up jokes of your 8 year-old.

Communicating with children effectively is one of the most challenging, yet rewarding things parents can learn to do. Sometimes my husband will tease that the kids are talkative like their mother, but we also know that they are truly learning the value of communication. I cherish the conversations I have every day with my kids, discussing anything from politics, to religion, to friendships, to those pirate dreams. They are all important conversations to have and every one is a building block for deeper, fuller, more positive relationships.

Surviving and Thriving as the New Generation Work-at-Home Mom

Chris Oldenburg — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 12:57:08 +0000

One of the most challenging, yet unbelievably rewarding things I have done in my life is be a WAHM – work-at-home mom (really a redundant term if you ask me). In a country with more than 81 million mothers, there seems to be an increasing trend toward mothers working from home. The new generation of working mothers has access to employment and opportunities that our mothers didn’t, in large part because of advances in technology. Just as I do, many of these moms probably count themselves as stay-at-home moms (SAHM) first, work-at-home moms second. The dual role can leave us exhausted and frayed if we don’t make efforts to balance our lives.

The Perks of Being a WAHM
The most valuable job a mother can have is one that her children see her excited about each day. For my kids I hope they see that I have my favorite job in the world, spending each day with them as a SAHM, home school mom, wife, and domestic engineer. WAHMs get to experience daily adventures with their children while still pursuing their own careers and contributing to the financial plan of the family.

Working from home allows my children to see how I can use my talents, passions, and time in endeavors that are different from the ones required to fix their meals and their skinned knees. I also know there will be a time all too soon when my children are pursuing their own passions as adults, so continuing dedication to my career keeps my own doors open for the future I will have after my biggest role as SAHM.

As the economy clearly shows, it is extremely difficult to maintain financial stability on a single income. WAHMs can contribute to the bank account often without requiring the typical expenses of work wardrobes (I’m in my jammies as I write this), commuting costs, and lunch meeting tabs.

The Challenges of Being a WAHM
As wonderful as the benefits are, the challenges of being a WAHM can be overwhelming without developing a plan for work space, time management, and sanity checks.

Work Space
Some days it seems there is nowhere to hide: they find me! We are fortunate to have home office space, but it doubles as school supply room, craft supply room, and occasional hang-out room, so keeping status as a working space sometimes seems impossible. Find or create a corner of space to call your own where your kids can’t finger paint or drip milk. Even if it means that when the kitchen table has your file box on it, everyone knows that no other human can touch the table: having physical work space boundaries are important.

Time Management
Time management would be much easier if I just had more time to manage. For the type of work that I do, writing and editing, my brain requires quiet. I do a portion of my work at night when the kiddos are in bed, rise before the sun to fit in tasks, and take advantage of lulls in the chaos throughout the day. I have learned to have lots of notepads around for brain sparks – those times when I think of something work related in the middle of helping a child identify a butterfly. Keeping lists, schedules, and still having free time with the family makes it easier to block out chunks of time each day for working.

Sanity Checks
If you are a WAHM, you understand the juggling you must do each day, so it is vital to write yourself sanity checks (a ticket to peace of mind). Make sure to build a network of support – other moms who juggle and family members and friends who can help. As a SAHM/WAHM, build in time each week for something you can do that is just for you, whether it is exercising, gardening, reading, or heading to a museum. Most of all, don’t take on too much in any of your roles, and get comfortable saying “no”. Sometimes people see SAHMs as women with lots of time to bake for the sale or drive kids to every event, but set some limits so you have time to reach your goals.

What type of mom are you?
A new study shows that the viewpoints about working mothers might be reverting a little. Gone are the days when moms were really only allowed to stay home, and gone too seem to be the days when moms were chastised for choosing to stay home. Perhaps the new generation WAHM is the balancing point between the two.

Is Socialization Possible Outside of Traditional Classrooms?

Chris Oldenburg — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 11:52:42 +0000

The “Weird Socialization” of Public Schools
Is true socialization possible for children outside of traditional classroom settings? Last Sunday morning I happened to catch a portion of Meet the Press with David Gregory, who was interviewing Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum. Mr. Gregory brought up the topic of education, and asked Santorum about a passage from his book, It Takes The Family, where he referred to the “weird socialization” that children receive in public education and touted the benefits of home schooling.

How do we define socialization and what is the best way to achieve it?
Santorum defended his position, saying that nowhere else in American society do we segregate for that many hours per day based on age and socioeconomic backgrounds. We interact with people of all ages, with all experiences and levels of knowledge, from more than just singular neighborhoods.

Socialization has long been the stampeding elephant in the rooms of home schooling families. A judge from West Virginia in 1981 claimed that the home school environment is filled with “medieval ignorance” and that parents “separate their children from organized society in an environment of indoctrination and deprivation so that the children become mindless automations incapable of coping with life outside their own families.” This judge also went on to say that home educated children are “shy, passive, and lethargic.”

Whew. I hope that the 30 years that have passed since those proclamations have yielded clearer insight, and I would like to introduce this judge to my children – who as much as I think they are amazing people, don’t think they are exceptions to the home school socialization rule.

Most dictionary definitions refer to socialization as the processes where humans learn habits and gain knowledge about society. Nowhere in those definitions does it say that these can only be acquired when among like-aged humans, in classroom settings.

While there are families who choose home education because they want to safeguard the lives of their children against the influences of society, this does not equate home schooling to inadequately socialized children. People direct socialization, whether in the classroom or outside of it. There are wonderful public schools where children interact with people of multitudes of backgrounds and ages, just as there are home school parents who provide diverse and full opportunities for their own children to interact within society. Santorum does have a point. Look around your office, your neighborhood, your child’s school. Is everyone the same age and from similar backgrounds? Probably not.

Socialization can further be described as the ability of people to positively interact with others, problem solve, and display empathy. As many studies have shown, home education can provide immense opportunities for socialization, even more than within public schools. Public school systems rely on children to socialize each other. Is this a good approach?

Duplicating the opportunities for socialization that home schooled children have in public school settings would not be easy, but some schools are attempting to do so. Multi-age classrooms (such as the Montessori approach), increased time away from traditional classroom desks, and more time in community events are just a few places where schools are starting to bring students into the real world.

As the home schooling mother of 4 children I have lost count for how many times people have asked me the DSQ – Dreaded Socialization Question – Don’t you worry about socialization? The answer is about as clear as mud.

Socialization is what we make of it – no matter what education path our children travel. I do worry about socialization, but less than I would if my kids attended public school. When I made the decision to home school, I knew I wanted my kids to have this adventure so they could experience life – not hide away from the evils of it. We go out of our way to bring our kids into the lives of people and situations they would never see from behind a desk each day.

I know that my kids aren’t bullied, don’t have teachers who ignore them, don’t worry about being teased for their choice of shirts that day, don’t face pressures for things beyond their years, and a whole list of worries that students everywhere wake up with every day. If the lack of these worries means that my children aren’t socialized, then I am more than OK with that. I also am not so naïve that I don’t worry they will someday feel they missed out on lockers or prom. So far they just laugh off my worries about those things and freely choose to socialize in the real world.