When I first heard the ultrasound tech’s words, “It’s a girl”, as a father, I didn’t know how to react.
Not because I’m sexist, or not because I wanted a boy to pass on my family name (I already had a son). But because I think my job as a parent is to do everything in my power to help my children develop to their full potential.
But here’s the problem…
I’d spent all my life learning how to become a man. I learned how to fight, shoot guns, win in athletics, make money, and romance a woman into marrying me.
But when I heard those words, “It’s a girl”, I realized that everything I’d spent my whole life trying to become, might not be what I should try to get my little girl to become too.
Something in my core just felt “misaligned” every time I thought about trying to teach my little girl how to be strong enough to set out on her own and conquer the world.
But before any feminists reading this jump down my throat, conjuring up images of Betty Crocker, and my little girl growing up to be a neat, tidy little housewife who always had supper on the table by six felt like that would leave too much of my baby girls potential – unrealized.
So I started searching for the answer to this question:
What Is The Ultimate Purpose of Raising a Daughter?
This was not a question my wife could answer, or any woman could really answer for me.
Oh sure, sometimes they’d give me an answer, but when I stepped back and looked at the life they were living themselves, I didn’t see a life that I wanted for my daughter.
So I decided to go back to a book that had changed my life as a young man called, Wild at Heart.
Wild at Heart was a book written for women to read that helps them understand the true desires of what men want to become. And the reason I wanted to go back and check out this book was because it contained a lot of comparisons about the differences between the desires and purpose of men, and the desires and purposes of women.
Thanks to the wonderful feature of Amazon.com’s website, that shows you other related books that people liked compared to the book you’re looking for I found this book, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul; the companion book for helping women understand their purpose in life.
If you’re interested, I interviewed Staci Eldrege about her book, and it turned into quite a thought provoking interview that you should really listen to.
If you’re looking for advice on who you should be trying to raise your daughter to become, this is frankly, required reading.
What Captivating Taught Me About Raising Daughters
The biggest thing I received while reading Captivating was a mental picture that I will always have in my mind of who I want my daughter to become, and that every little girl wants to grow up to become, someone like the famous heroine princess from Lord of The Rings, Arwen Evenstar. (It’s her picture at the top of this article).
Here’s why Arwen Evenstar helped me realize my purpose in raising my daughter.
Arwen has 3 things:
Three VERY important things that every little girl or woman for that matter, wishes they had:
1. She plays a critical role in an exciting adventure. Without her the male heroes of the story would not have been able to accomplish their missions, and feels important because everyone in the story knows she plays that required role.
2. She is lovingly pursued by Aaragon, the male hero in the story who is a strong warrior who romances her.
3. Plus she has a beauty to reveal both internally and externally. Externally she is dressed in beautiful clothing and jewelry, and she reveals her inner beauty through her compassion and tenderness and willingness to help and reach out to others… and the people of the story admire her for that.
If you think about it, most of the heroine characters who our little girls fall in love with share these same core characteristics. To prove this, just look at the princesses Disney has crafted, and ask yourself if the reason you fall in love with them is because they have these three common traits?
Ask Yourself, Do These 3 Princess Share These Traits?
even though these are the dolled up version of these princesses, ask yourself this…
Don’t they all play a critical role in an adventure?
Do they not all cherish being pursued and romanced?
What about their beauty? Don’t they all love to show off their inner and outer beauty to everyone so that all may see?
And the most important question of all…
Don’t both Men and Women like these characters? Don’t all men wish they could find someone with a beautiful adventurous spirit. And don’t all women wish they could step into the shoes of those princesses in some way or another?
I think if we’re really honest with ourselves, these three things are what women want to become and what men wish women would become… they’re a perfect fit!
Which makes the next question…
How Do You Raise A Daughter To Be Like A Princess?
I believe the best way to raise a daughter to grow up to be as much like these beloved princesses as possible you have to do more then just read this article. You have to look at all the character strengths these heroines had to have in place to ever have a shot at becoming who they are.
Here are just a few character traits our daughters must be taught:
- To Play A Critical Role In An Adventure – We must raise our daughters to face fears, overcome challenges, not be quitters, and become resourceful when solutions are not easily discovered.
- To Be Able To Reveal Her Beauty – She must work on developing compassion for others, and the joy that comes from being charitable. She must learn to treat her body like a temple, have the self esteem to show off who she really is, and be taught to NOT harden her heart when it becomes wounded.
- To Be So Attractive Men Pursue And Romance Her – She must be protected from hardening her heart towards those that may love her. She must avoid resorting to controlling all aspects of her life as to avoid or hide from pain. If pain happens you must work with her to open her heart back up. And She must learn how to actually identify what good men look like. (hint: research has proven they learn this from how their fathers treat them and their mother)
These are just some of the things I’ve learned from Captivating, and I will be forever grateful for having my eyes opened up to what raising a daughter is really all about.
You can pick up a copy of this book here: Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.
But of course, this is just my opinion. I’d REALLY like to know if you agree or disagree with my argument. So if you feel like weighing in and having a friendly debate please feel free to leave a comment below, and I’ll look forward to intellectually sparring with you 
I agree with much of what you are saying. I have 3 daughters and 5 sons. My ultimate goals for my daughters are:
1. To grow up to love Jesus with all their hearts… If they are capable of doing that, they will be attractive to the young man that God has chosen for them.
2. To be feminine…There is a beauty in raising virtuous daughters who behave femininely. A quality young man will be attracted to a young lady who is distinctly different than a man.
3. To be a helpmeet for her future husband…Can she mend clothing? Can she balance a checkbook? Is she able to keep the house tidy? Is she willing to be flexible enough to help her husband if he should need her for a task? Really, flexibility in all areas of life is essential. In a nutshell, will she be a blessing to her husband in his endeavors or will she be a hindrance?
4. To provide hospitality… My daughters are learning how to cook a healthy, well-balanced meal. They are learning how to economically decorate the home. When she has company over, it is important that the hospitality that she offers reflects well on her husband.
5. To dress modestly…Honestly, the Disney princess stereotype is positively not the kind of woman I would want my sons marrying. I certainly wouldn’t want my daughters marrying a man who would want a woman that is willing to show her body to just anyone. My oldest son just got married in August to a lovely young lady. They chose to have a hands-off courtship. The first time they shared any physical affection was when the bride’s father placed her hand in my son’s hand during the wedding. They then shared their first kiss in private. It was a precious moment. Neither of them had dated anyone else. The bride’s standard of modesty is what first attracted my son to her. She is a virtuous young lady.
There are other goals that we have set for our daughters to learn while they grow up but these are the most important ones.
Thanks for sharing your point of view. Iron sharpens iron.
I’m a single dad raising my 7 yr old daughter and it’s very tough to find positive role models for her. It’s amazing how strong, intelligent women are mocked or ridiculed, while others are famous for merely having a sex tape or having a psychotic breakdown. We talk about why some things/people are not good role models (like Bratz dolls and performer Lady GaGa) and others are (her female principal and Star Wars’ Princess Leia).
My daughter is “normal” in that she is enthralled by all things princess and pink. She is a “girly girl” in that sense, but by having a father raising her she is also into sports, monster movies and comic books. (I’m not saying that there aren’t women out there that are into those topics also, but they are typically male interests.)
I include my daughter while working on the car, repairing a faucet, or doing the laundry. We cook, garden, create and explore together. I’ve told her that she needs to know how to do all these things, because you never know if someone will be around to help. She sees that no one washes the dishes for me or fixes the flat tire. I want her to have a boyfriend (and later a husband) because he treats her well and makes her happy, not because he can change the furnace filter. I think too many people, both men and women, choose the people in their life because of what they can do for them, rather than for what they can do together.
I know I’m not perfect, and like any other parent, I make mistakes. However, I do try to balance my daughter’s life. My daughter and I are fortunate to have many positive female role models around us in our family, church, school and friends.
This is great to see Doug, thanks for your your feedback.
Hey, Doug…
It sounds like you are being exactly what your daughter needs. I think it’s great that she is learning how to be handy, not just beautiful. I am a pastor’s wife and can see how tough it is for single parents to fill the role of both mom and dad. God didn’t create you to be able to be both to your daughter but when it is necessary, He is able to give you the wisdom that you need.
God bless!
Love this! Saw it in the sidebar on Facebook, BTW, and I’m glad I wandered over to check. I am a mom of two boys as well as a girl who is in a different category; raising a child with Down’s is not quite like raising a typically-developing girl. In fact, it’s quite different. So far, at least. She’s only 3 1/2, but it seems to me that it’s even more important for her to show strength and beauty, because her genetic makeup makes her automatically less “beautiful” and “valuable” in the world. I love this analogy.
Well I’m glad you ventured over to the sidebar then Kathleen, I placed the ad on there for this article to try and draw a few people over to my site… in hopes that a few people might be interested in reading about topics like this.
So thanks for commenting, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.
My daughters (as well as my son) are being raised to be powerful yet loving humans. My husband and I share in making this true. Although Kelly, Doug, and I want our daughters to be wonderful people we want them to be wonderful differently. My daughters are to be sexually aware and fullfilled, to be self sufficient, to be highly educated, and to be free thinkers. I am teaching them that their higher power comes from within and that anything is possible. As Mac has pointed out, Princesses come in many forms and if they can kick evil butt in skimpy clothes (Blech) and stilettoes (YUK) as well as in a suit of armour then so be it.
I truly enjoy reading your articles, thank you so much.
I grew up in a third world country, where the expectations for women are juts to know how to cook and mend and keep the house clean as well to raise children (the more the merrier). I don’t have anything against all this qualities, but there are no expectations for education or learning a trade other than to become a wife, a mom (nothing wrong with that either, I personally believe to be a wife and a mom is an honor and a blessing). I am the only girl, have 3 brothers, my role growing up was to help around the house, and of course since we were poor, I also had a job as a house keeper for richer families, all the money went to help the family, more important my brothers, they all went to college or trading school, I just went to work and helped at home.
I was raised to obey and follow, not to make decisions and guide. Up till now it is still hard for me to make decisions, but I try. I have a daughter 3 years old, she is amazing, so I want to teach her all that my mother taught me of what she learned from her mom, but I also want to raise her to be her full potential. I want her to have all the opportunities in life that will help her grow and become who she wants to be.
Your website and articles not only helps me become a better mom, but to also better myself, I want to be better for my daughter, thank you so much!!!
I hate stero-types. Kids are born with instincts that we spend our whole lives supressing, for once can we learn from kids rather than trying to teach them everything we “unlearned’. Where does mutual respect come in, people first language, no mater, gender, age, race, ability. That is my daughter, I am sure that she could teach more people than I know about life and she is all but three.
Why can’t boys wear pink and why can’t girls play football at a national level, because society deems this wrong, yet there is nothing wrong with either, just adult attitudes. Maybe if we as adults and role models actually looked int he mirror as assess how we judge others we would be shocked and scold ourselves. It is all nice in theory hearing all of this, but I am yet to go out in public and see people actually practice what they preach. All I hear is no, and don’r rather than letting kids do what they do best, explore and learn. I am seen as the crazy parent, or the cool parent, depending on what we are doing, wither way, who cares, my daughter gets to experience life first hand, respects all living creatures and never takes more than is needed. Imagine a world of people lie that! I wish I could move there!
this is all very stupid “Don’t all men wish they could find someone with a beautiful adventurous spirit. And don’t all women wish they could step into the shoes of those princesses in some way or another” … and don’t all cows fly over the moon?
j/k I appreciate the effort in all this but don’t quite agree with much. “Externally she is dressed in beautiful clothing and jewelry” Well Ariel is barely wearing anything granted she’s half fish with only a bra on. haha but here’s the problem: YOUR RAISING A THREE YEAR OLD AND THAT’S IT .. I mean sounds like your daughter going to be three forever. Point two: THIS IS NOT THE 18th century, PEEP OUT OF YOUR CUBBY HOLE many men are not adventurous, many women want to be King/Queen, why princess? so daddy can condition you into a hopeless, meek brat? Since you’re so into stressing Disney characters .. I’m sure Mulan, Anastasia (Pixar oops), and Pocahontas appealed to some audience right?? And hey I’m sure your a great father but don’t forget she’s a person too, with her own identity and willpower — not everyone’s a baby princess yuck this whole talk is disgusting me I’m sure if jab we met you’d think I was utterly ‘Miley Cyrus’ but little do you know sir. Here’s a good book for you “The Feminine Mystique” or “The Second Sex” i never read it but just do it for your daughter’s sake. Lastly, i hope you don’t limit her. Good Luck! I would raise my daughter’s like men (whatever that means huh?)
Here’s a question for you “Pretty Princess”, did you miss the whole bad ass independent character, Arwen, from the Lord Of The Rings series, who doesn’t take people’s shit that I put at the top of the post?
Her whole character was about NOT letting her father control her life. Or maybe that would have taken reading the post to catch that.
I’m am absolutely NOT about dolling up little girls just so they can look pretty and end up as meek little brats. That’s actually the whole point of the post. It’s about helping fathers understand that it’s not about the pretty little dolled up princesses with no substance… it’s about the bad ass warrior princesses with substance, and how when a girl pursues those things the result is that she get’s what she wants. She becomes Captivating. I tried to show how the princesses in these posts had those strong characteristics, and how they were more than just pretty dolled up faces. I might have been a little off on Ariel, but the other 3 princess are spot on. They didn’t just sit around and let their father’s rule their lives. They rebelled, and went after things they were passionate about.
Oh, and just something to think about; guess what they call the women in stories where women toss aside the tenderness of the feminine spirit and aspire to rule… Witches.
Just saying.
P.S. I think if you listened to the interview I reference in this post, you’d realize I’m not about creating meek submissive women at all. (if you could stomach my opinion on parenting girls for one more second that is
whoops as in Miley Cyrus I mean princess of this day that’s not a Betty Crocker but she’s her own person .. way bad example how about just “you think I was utterly ‘girly’”
I’m the proud mother of a 3,5 years old daugther. My most important goal is to be a loving, caring and patient mom. Of course I would like to help her develop into her full potential, but not in the way described in a book…someone elses opinion of how a girl should be. Everybody is unique, so I have my unique ways to teach and my duaghter have her own unique ways of being. The most important value to give to a daughter, and preventing her to suffer about all of this fake beliefs, is the knowledge that in life the best thing for her is being her authentic self. Comparing a child with a princess as a role model is possible, but it all starts by teaching your child to accept themselves as they are. To be beautifull, captivating is not the most important thing in life, to please others either. So nice article but I would not like my daughter to become a perfomrer, denying who she is, just to fit into someone elses desires, expectations and beliefs.
I am completely with you on the “authentic self” point. I would never want my daughter to try to become something she is not. I think if you read the book I mentioned in this post you’d find that it’s not at all about just pleasing men or pleasing anyone. It’s about letting that authentic self out, and that when you let that authentic self out the result is that you become captivating, not that you’re trying to get acceptance and approval from others.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Mac, I find this wholly offensive as the mother of a nearly 5 year old daughter. Did this guy mention “intelligence” once? I am sorry, is the goal of our daughters to be attractive to men?
How about this idea: Raise your daughter to be strong, adventurous, in charge of her own body and soul, intelligent, smart and street wise. Raise her to be wise to the world of politics (both personal and professional).
RAISE HER TO BE THE EQUAL OF MEN, NOT THE OBJECT OF THEIR DESIRES.
This article conjures one image: Tori Spelling. Her father raised her to be captivating. Yes, rich and on TV. Good for him. That is the last thing I want for my daughter.
Oh boy Kristen, you definitely missed the point completely. I think if you went back and listened to the interview that I linked to in the post you’d realize I wasn’t trying to say that at all. My point was not to teach girls to become objects of a Men’s desire, but that when she focuses on being like the character of Arwen Evenstar, who is, oh how did you say it, “strong, adventurous, in charge of her own body, intelligent smart and street wise… not to mention a bad ass magic wielder”, that behaving that way is the ultimate way for a Woman to let her beauty shine (all types of beauty).
So I’m not saying Women need to do these things so they can land a man, I’m saying that by doing the things their true hearts desire to do, they not only live a more fulfilled life full of excitement and adventure, but the very act of pursuing the traits that these movie characters represent makes them Captivating. I’d highly encourage you to listen to the interview I reference in this post, and I think once you do so you wouldn’t be so offended.
Hi mac. I totaly agree with u. Those are some of the character a girl must have. I am a sigle mom of son 5 and a daughter 2. For me have a girl was easy because i am a older sister, i was always told that i have to set a example for my sister so the out line on how to be a repectable girl is old news. But as much as i whated and love my sons i wanted give him good character is a bit difficult. Because i do not wanted him to be sesi but i also do not wanted him to be a man with on respect to others. so do u have any advice for me.
You have just inspired my next article Diana, thanks
You have the exact opposite problem I was having. If I understand you correctly, you feel like you intrinsically understand what it takes to raise a complete daughter, yet you understand that boys and girls should NOT be raised the same way and feel a bit lost on the male side of things; where I got the guy thing down and was looking for answers on how to raise daughters.
And in reading your question, I realized that I don’t talk about how to raise boys much, so I’m going to stop commenting now, and go write up something just for you’re situation. Stay tuned for it in a day or two.
Hi Mac,
Thank you for this article and your thoughts. I agree with much of what you have to say. Those three character traits and desires I would say, helped me to overcome much hardship and challenge in my life already. It is good to read your perspective and remember this lesson for my own daughter, should I be blessed to have one or more.
Tzippi
Mac,
I just came across this article as I was reading parenting information. A few years ago, a childhood friend gave me a copy of your book. I knew it was going to be a worthwhile read because my friend is a deep, compassionate, spiritual woman. I enjoyed your book on so many levels. I am in a book club with ten CAPTIVATING women. We have read over 100 books together, and we are going to read your book very soon. Recently, I was visiting with another very dear friend who I had not seen in quite some time. She also is someone I describe as “Salt of the Earth.” She is a former Principal and present Middle school Special Education teacher. I am a former Preschool teacher and Director. I have one 13 year old daughter( I also have two older sons),and she has two daughters adopted from China ages 9 and 12. We spent hours discussing our experiences raising our own girls and shared our insights gained from our combined experiences in Education. We spoke about so many interesting topics,and I told her I believed the “bitch clique” began in the 4 year old preschool classroom. For years we have talked about writing a book together, and it was that very day, this past October, when we decided we WOULD indeed write a book. We have a possible title: “The Bitch Clique: Teaching your daughter survival skills for navigating the teenage years”.Please forgive our less than ladylike language in our book title. As you surely know from your book marketing experience, strong, adventuorous women are fully aware that in today’s world of publishing, one MUST have a catchy title to lure in and hopefully enlighten their readers. I would be so very honored and grateful if one day we could have a conversation about raising daughters. My dream would be to have you write the forward to our book. My Mother suffered her entire life from severe depression. She, and her illness taught me the single most important thing we can do for each other is to be compassionate and understanding. My own daughter is a beautiful girl on the outside and we have many conversations about using the gifts God gave her to lift others up. Inner beauty and outer beauty really are the complete package. Today, however, studies prove that the single most important criteria for assessing a young woman’s self esteem is her perception of how pretty she is. This, by itself is of course, an empty pursuit. I repeatedly attempt to teach my daughter, when you chase empty, you feel empty. She is developing the compassion and empathy I presently feel will help her develop the single most important quality any one of us can have, and that is self love. For years, I did not have it,and am working daily towards achieving it. I thank you for your book, and your time and your wisdom.
Sincerely,
Terri
Mac,
As I am reading over this article again, which I am copying for my book club, I realize I made a mistake. You are not the author of Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, you are actually referring to it, and admiring it in your article. I apologize for my confusion. I read the book several years ago, and did not remember it was written by a woman. I was so attracted by the content of the insights of your article on this book that I attributed the book to you! Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your website will now be in my “favorites file” Other than my careless error on the author, everything I mentioned above applies to you.
Sincerely,
Terri
Well I’m glad you caught the mistake. I definitely did not write the book, I’m just a big fan of it. Glad you found the interview encouraging.