Death can be one of those subjects that parents avoid discussing at all costs, whether it is because of their own fears about it or the fear that their children will be scared and confused. No matter who we are, where we come from, or how we live, we all have death in common. Death teaches us about life. Don’t be afraid to let your children learn the lessons.
Call it what it is.
Use the actual words and phrases at age appropriate levels. Don’t use other terms to avoid using words like died or death. It can really confuse children if a parent tells them that the dead bird in the yard “is kind of sleeping.” It can be equally confusing if the phrase “went away” is used to explain death to a child. This implies that the loved one or creature will be coming back. It could also frighten the child the next time a parent needs to leave and announces that he is “going away” for a while. Death and dying are only frightening words for children if we allow it to be that way.
Begin at the beginning.
Some of the best parenting advice I learned from my mother is to talk with children about things that might be difficult before they even ask you to explain anything. My adopted siblings just always knew they were adopted. Just as most children can’t tell you when they first knew a car was called a car, my siblings always had the word adoption as part of their vocabularies. When Mom would do routine things such as change and bathe them she would tell them they were very beautiful adopted babies. She would include the word adopted in stories about families, kids, and any other reason she could think of to use the word. The result was that it was always a positive part of the conversation and there never came a time to have a specific, singular conversation that could have been very frightening. Eventually the conversations about what adoption really means came along, but these came in natural progressions that never caused panic, fear, or confusion.
Even though death can be more difficult to discuss, bringing it into the vocabulary and reality of children when they are young will enhance their abilities to find understanding and comfort. Take every day, natural circumstances to incorporate the concept. Talk about the bug that died on the windshield or the flowers that died in the yard. Don’t avoid the inevitable and think that your kids will grow to be adults before they need to understand death.
Show them the way.
Don’t be afraid to take your children to wakes, funerals, or the cemetery. Our children have always accompanied us to these occasions and I truly feel that they are more compassionate people because of it. There were times when I worried how the younger kids would react to a body in a coffin, but we just discussed these things with them before and a whole lot more afterwards. It may be more comfortable for us as adults to attend a funeral without a child, but when we do that we take away a loving opportunity for them to learn. I have never been to a wake or funeral where there hasn’t been outpourings of affection, kindness, and support – emotions that are good for children to see in action.
Give them something to talk about.
Verbalize to your child about death around them. There have been several sad times in my life where I have said to my very young children, “Someone I cared about has died so I am feeling sad because I miss her.” This clearly names what happened and lets kids know that it is OK if a death is sad for them. Give your kids the tools they need to talk about death by talking about it yourself.
Let them experience loss.
The hard part about having pets is that they rarely outlive us. Our 4 children have cared for and lost many pets over the years, but I wouldn’t trade their sadness for the joy they had from the relationship with the creature. We recently buried my son’s beloved gecko, Leah, in the woods beside our home. All of the children gathered around and as we gently laid the shoebox in the hole we told stories about Leah. I talked about how I am sure that Leah thought hanging out with such an amazing kid was a cool way to spend her life.
You’ve gotta have faith.
I can’t easily separate death from my faith. While I know that there are biological details that define death, death itself for me is a whole lot more intricate because of my faith. Whatever your faith teaches you, use it to guide your children through the sadness and confusion of death. It is sometimes the only light I can easily see when trying to understand it myself.
When my family encounters death and I wish that I could erase that pain that it brings from their hearts, I know that they are able to handle the pain with grace because they know that death is a part of life. If we love life, which I fervently hope my kids do, we can be more accepting that death is one component of that amazing gift.
