Being hit, even by a three year old, is not fun, to say the least. It is even less fun when it is a special needs child that is doing the hitting, because it’s a safe bet that the typical discipline processes are not going to work. In my house, we are in the middle of such a particularly rough hitting and kicking spell.
Why kids do it:
I have said it before and I’ll say it again—in fact, I might have a T-shirt printed up with this motto—“THERE IS ALWAYS A ROOT CAUSE.”
- Children do not usually hit because they think it is fun, they hit because they are overstimulated and don’t know what to do with all the excess emotion or energy that is zipping around their system. Overstimulation can occur for a number of reasons, such as getting wound up from lots of exciting play.
- Some kids with sensory disorders hit because they like the pressure and don’t know how to harness it properly. Therefore, they hit whatever or whomever is near them.
- It may be a matter of communication challenges. Sometimes kids aren’t capable of saying how they are feeling, or perhaps they are having difficulty expressing themselves.
- There may be a big change happening at home. Seeing our house full of moving boxes has been bothering my three-year old son a lot lately. He does not fully understand what “moving” means, so he is more likely to lash out with his hands and feet. Parents re-entering the workforce, new siblings, or starting a new school year are also potentially traumatic events for your child.
What not to do:
I’ve spoken with several people who work with special needs children, and they have told me that typical discipline methods such as these do not often work:
- “Time outs” are great for neuro-typical children, but do not have much effect on many special needs kids. This is because they do not generalize their negative behaviors; they relate that “time out” to that specific incident. If the child doesn’t understand what “time-out” means and tries to leave the area, the practice is not going to teach him anything.
- Don’t tell your kid what not to do. Instead of saying “Don’t hit!” try redirecting his attention and energies elsewhere. Children tend to pick up on the word ‘hit’ instead of ‘don’t,’ which means that they will not stop and you won’t accomplish anything.
What to do:
- Depending on your child’s level and method of communication, you could talk with him about his behavior and your expectations. This should be done when you both are calm. If he is non-verbal, try making a book about the behavior. Insert pictures of your child so that he can personally relate to what is happening in the book.
- Having a “safe place” should be a requisite for everyone. A beanbag, a playhouse, or a special nook in his room are all reasonable options for a place your child can go to calm down.
- If your child has sensory issues, carry a stress ball (or any small, squishy ball) with you. Have it handy when your child decides to hit so that he can squeeze the ball instead. Another option is to gently squeeze his hands or feet before the behavior escalates.
- Above all else, remain calm. Becoming visibly upset only adds to the drama. If you can keep your cool, you will be much more successful at helping your child stay calm.
Tip: Over several days, write down your child’s behavior, focusing on what happens before he starts to hit. You may start to see a pattern of behavior, or signs that you can use to recognize when he is about to hit. It is much easier to redirect or distract a child before their behavior escalates.
