Although pregnancy loss is a common event, it can nonetheless be personally devastating.   A positive pregnancy test seems to promise that a baby will eventually enter our lives.  When that baby fails to develop or dies in utero, our expectations and hopes are dashed.

I lost twins a few years ago after undergoing treatment for infertility.  The first twin was ectopic, and the emotional pain of miscarriage was coupled with the physical pain of recovering from surgery.  A few weeks after that surgery, a routine blood test revealed high levels of HcG.  After an ultrasound, another baby was found in the uterus.  The second baby had never developed past about 6 weeks gestation, and I ended up having a D&C almost a month to the day after my first surgery.

That time in my life is kind of a blur.  My memory of it is a little disjointed and episodic.  I remember strong feelings of grief and despair, and guilt over our 2 year old son seeing us so upset.  I remember the feeling of dread I had had all through the short pregnancy.  I remember reading trashy mystery after trashy mystery so that my mind would stay occupied and I wouldn’t think about my loss.  I remember the difficulty of chance encounters with friends who had recently had babies or announced pregnancies.

After the loss, people tried to be helpful.  Sometimes they were, sometimes they weren’t.  Someone close to us said that we would forget those lost babies as soon as we were pregnant again.   She was trying to be optimistic and positive, but it was not what I needed to hear.

The grief did lessen over time, but the consequences of the miscarriage had lingering effects.  When I did eventually become pregnant again, fear hovered over that pregnancy almost from the get-go.  I was shrouded in anxiety and every twinge or pain seemed to foretell an impending miscarriage.

Common Emotional Reactions to Miscarriage

Everyone responds to a miscarriage differently just as everyone grieves differently.  Still, there are a few emotional consequences that frequently appear:

Shock: A miscarriage can be very unexpected.  Although they are not uncommon, we still feel that it couldn’t happen to us.

Desire for Answers: After a loss, many parents search for reasons why the loss happened.  Unfortunately, answers are often hard to come by.

Feelings of Guilt: Sometimes, in the search for “why,” some parents end up blaming themselves.  If I hadn’t gone for that run!  Maybe I wasn’t eating well enough, or drinking enough water.  Truthfully, though, miscarriages are rarely, if ever, caused by something a woman did..or didn’t…do.

Tension in Relationships: Mothers and fathers may grieve differently, and sometimes, that difference is a source of tension.  A miscarriage affects both partners, but not always in the same way.

Envy: I know I had this pretty badly.  Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or enjoying new parenthood.  It was very hard not to feel envious, even though I knew my loss had nothing to do with their joy.

Fear in Subsequent Pregnancies: When something bad happens once, we fear that it will happen again.  In my case, my doctors handled my fears kindly, but my pregnancy after miscarriage was very stressful.

Reaction to Emotional Triggers: Some milestones or anniversaries can be very upsetting.  For instance, the due date of the lost baby or babies can really stir up a lot of previously buried grief.

Healing

After I lost my babies, I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep, dark pit.  It took time to climb out of that pit, but it did happen.

There are several resources in place for parents mourning the loss of a pregnancy.  Online support groups, clinic-based groups, and counselors specializing in pregnancy loss can all be very helpful in working through the complex feelings that arise as a result of miscarriage.  I also found that treatments like acupuncture helped me relax.  The important thing is to make time to grieve…and to make time to heal.

Resources:

SHARE: http://www.nationalshare.org/

RESOLVE publication “The Hidden Loss”:

http://www.resolve.org/site/DocServer/Miscarriage-The-Hidden-Loss.pdf