Better Parenting» Teen

When you hit a brick wall: 6 steps for dealing with parenting challenges

fernw — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:04:46 +0000

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. It’s a phrase worth considering at every brick wall we encounter, and at every disappointment. It’s a reminder that failure is not just acceptable, it’s often essential.” Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Many of you have heard the statement that parents are a child’s most important teacher. What do you want your children to know about life and growing into adulthood? What will inspire them to work towards finding their passion and fulfilling their potential? What skills and attitudes do they need when obstacles appear?

Of course they will look up to you for your accomplishments. They will also be inspired by your attitude and how you react when things are not going according to plan. The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line. But we know that in life, going from where you are to where you want to be often involves detours, delays and sometimes a change in destination – - in other words, the unexpected brick walls.

Sometimes the wall may be relatively insignificant in the scheme of things. Other times it may be life-altering. (Sometimes the wall is an attitude or emotional disposition…) Remember that it is how you handle the small things that lays the groundwork for the bigger challenges. So how do you handle the wall? Are you standing in front of it, frustrated, angry, immobilized? Are you going around it, or over it, or tearing it down with adaptability, creativity and the attitude of a learner? Kids are always watching to see what we will do. Here are some tips for getting to the other side of the wall.

Assess the situation. What is the challenge before you? Is it really insurmountable?

Brainstorm your options. Write down all possibilities, from the sublime to the ridiculous. (This process can lead to some creative solutions!) Eliminate what obviously won’t work.

Evaluate the finalists for the most realistic, achievable steps.

Take action. Put your full effort into this new action plan.

If necessary, rethink your goal. Is it critical to achieve exactly what you set out to do? Is compromise possible? What is the worst thing that will happen if you do, and is it really the worst thing?

And finally, reflect. How did you feel when you hit the wall? How did you feel after you developed and implemented a new strategy? What did you learn about the process? about yourself? What are you teaching your children about navigating through life?

It is said that we learn the most from our challenges. They test us and strengthen us. We gain experience, knowledge and wisdom. Give your children the gift of allowing them to ‘experience’ life.

Questions for reflection:

1. Think of a time when something didn’t go the way you planned. What strategies did you use to fix or change the situation? What personal strengths helped you through it?

2. What do your children know about the things you struggled with growing up? How do you think sharing this might inspire them?

3. How do you respond to your children when they ‘mess up?’ Do you criticize, try to fix it, or encourage them to problem-solve?

4. Which listening/communication skills and ‘brick wall’ strategies will you use the next time your child is faced with an obstacle?

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Helping teens find their own solutions

fernw — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:12:41 +0000

Do you find yourself fighting the urge to say to your teen, “Been there, done that. Let me show you how it’s done”? I do, too… although looking back to my younger days, I can honestly say that I learned the most when I had to solve things myself.

(On a personal note, my children were amazed to hear that when I studied abroad during my junior year of college, I was only able to call home three times. There were no cell phones, no computers or email, and it cost $40 for a 20-minute phone call, which I had to make from the post office. Even though the program was well-supervised, I had lots of decisions to make and challenges to meet. No mom or dad to rely on, no instant feedback… and it was the most amazing and growth-filled year of my life!)

It takes so much time to explain and guide and teach. You may feel it’s faster and more efficient to take care of it yourself. In the short-term, being pressed for time and patience, you want to step in and do it yourself; however, if you do, you will be raising a child who

Doesn’t know how to problem-solve.

Runs to you to fix everything.

Cannot function independently.

Cannot be depended upon to accomplish tasks.

Has low self-esteem.

Now consider the long-term picture. What do you see fifteen years down the road? Most parents I talk to say they want their children to be confident, self-sufficient, happy and successful. For that to happen, they need the opportunity to grow. This requires parents who are able to step back and let their children experience life. Here are some tips to help you on this path.

As always, take a breath and think. Whose problem is it? If it’s not an issue of health or safety, consider whether you need to be part of it.

Your child will make mistakes. Most mistakes are not fatal, but they are necessary to become confident and competent.

Express confidence that your teen can come up with a solution.

Offer to be available to help (not to do it for them).

Teach him/her how to problem-solve.

Some of The First Steps Are:

Brainstorm and narrow down possible action steps.

Evaluate how realistic the possibilities are.

Set a time frame for action.

Listen carefully and accept and acknowledge feelings.

It is said that we are born with all the abilities, wisdom and potential we need to take us through life. Trust that this is true for your child, too. You’ve been responsible for a long time for all aspects of his well-being. Help him tap into his innate potential to care for himself and find his own solutions.

Sleepovers? Deciding if Your Child is Ready.

Brandon — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:26:26 +0000

Editor’s Note: This article was originally written by Malina at Notes on Parenting (a great site, if you haven’t visited before) — we loved it so much that we decided to republish it here (with permission). As the parent of a 6 year old, I agree completely that the sleepover issue can be tricky if not thought out in advance by parents. Fortunately, Malina’s article will help prepare your family when your child gets asked to sleepover at a friend’s house.

At some point in your child’s social life, they will want to participate in a sleepover. It is a good idea to decide what your family guidelines are going to be for sleepovers ahead of time, before the question comes up in a less than ideal circumstance.

My sons’ first sleepover invitation was from a girl his age when they were 5. While I liked the family, I was NOT okay with the idea of my child being over there all night unattended (especially at the age of 5!) Luckily my husband and I had already discussed that there would be no sleepovers at all for our children. So it was easy for me to answer and explain that it had nothing to do with them as much as that was our family rule.

As you decide what your policy will be toward sleepovers, there are several things to consider. It is not as simple as you first think. Sleepovers are also not the innocent childhood diversion from your memory. I grew up going to sleepovers and was lucky enough that they were harmless overall. However, sleepovers are often a place where bullying, chicanery, pornography, alcohol and even abuse could possibly occur. Many parents choose to allow long playdates or gatherings that end about midnight as an alternative to sleepovers.

Here are some considerations:

Readiness – Children should be able to deal with basic hygiene and getting ready for bed on their own. They should be comfortable falling asleep on their own. Children who have a hard time sleeping in unfamiliar places are not great sleepover candidates.

Presence of older siblings (and their friends) in the home – You may know the parents and the child really well and be comfortable with them. But what about the high school aged sibling and any friends of theirs who might be visiting? I have read and heard several accounts of children who were the subject of abuse in such a situation.

Parenting styles – Do the other parents parent in a similar style to your own? If not, do they share similar values? Will they be actively monitoring the sleepover or letting the kids do their own thing? Will they even be home the entire time? Do you trust them with your children’s well being?

Exposure to unsavory materials - Is alcohol available easily in the home? Does your child handle peer pressure well or give in easily? Do you trust your child to say no and call for you to come and get them if things aren‘t good?

Bullying – More common in group sleepovers where the first to fall asleep often has pranks played on them or when groups of “friends” gang up on individuals for small bedtime quirks. Is your child able to stand up for what they know to be right? How will they react to being the subject of bullying?

Group sleepovers – Birthday parties and the like, group sleepovers can be the ones that are more out of control and less supervised. Bullying and exposure to unsavory materials is more likely even when you know most or all of the kids present. Are you comfortable with all group sleepovers and feel your child is prepared for them?

Co-ed sleepovers – Some parents feel they are harmless at young ages, some parents allow them even when older. Are you uncomfortable with co-ed sleepovers but comfortable with a different gender sibling being present the whole time? It’s trickier than it seems!

Reciprocation – A seemingly simple solution is to only allow sleepovers at your own home where you are able to supervise and know what is going on. But how would you feel if it was your child’s best friend (and a family you are fairly close to) saying “Sorry, we only allow sleepovers at our home” to your child and that is your policy too? Someone is going to have to give in. Thus really if you allow any sleepovers you have to be ready to deal with reciprocation etiquette and taking turns.

Perhaps you think I am too strict with our “No sleepovers” policy. I hope this has given you some insight into how we reached our decision. Maybe when my children are in their “tweens” it will be adjusted slightly to allow for 1-1 sleepovers with children from families we know REALLY well. But for now I am quite happy to tell my kids, “Sorry we just don’t have sleepovers in our family.”

What are your thoughts on sleepovers? Do you allow them? Starting at what age? What are your family rules regarding sleepovers?
Original Post written by Malina on Notes on Parenting, Copyright 2010

When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends

Beverly Frank — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 14:08:05 +0000

Sometimes you simply do not like your kid’s friends. They may not have the look, the attitude, or the demeanor you want your children to associate with. Maybe they are controlling. Maybe they are manipulative. Maybe they are making your child act ways that they normally do not act. So what can you do when you do not like your kid’s friends?

When to step in and when to step back: The first thing you have to recognize is that even though you may not like your child’s friends, it is not entirely up to you who they hang out with. So, as a parent, you are not to decide if you like the friend or not, but whether or not the friend is going to be hurtful to your child. If they have a friend with punk rocker hair, and a few ugly piercings, it may appear like a bad idea, but sometimes it is the friend that looks normal that is encouraging your child to do drugs, defy you, cut classes, etc. So, evaluate how your child acts, and whether or not you should step in and forbid your child from seeing the friend or not. In many cases forbidding your kid from a friend can almost inevitably ensure that they will want to see them more. So, be careful about who you step in to keep your child from. In most situations friendships will run their course quickly, and will be over before you ever have to worry.

Are they a bad influence? Don’t be too quick to judge. Don’t ask if they look like a bad influence, but if they are one. A boy with long hair and a leather jacket may look like a bad influence, but actually be quite the kid. So, do not judge by appearances only, and do not be too quick to judge.

Pay attention to what is going on with your child: The best way to know if you should do something about your kid’s friends is to monitor your child.

The following three areas will help:

Behavior. Are they acting normal? Are they more defiant? Are they more flippant? Are their actions more selfish? If so, chances are they are getting influence from a friend that is not good.

Grades. Are their grades staying up? Do their grades reflect their normal school habits, or have they fallen? Often a sign of a friend who is a negative influence is falling grades.

Attitude. How do they treat you? How do they treat their siblings? What kind of attitude do they have?

Make your home somewhere they want to hang out: If you do not like your kid’s friends, the best thing you can do is monitor their interactions as much as you can without being a controlling parent. Do this by making your home a fun place to hang out. Make it somewhere kids want to spend time, so that when they do hang out, it is in your home.

Sometimes, you simply have to forbid your child from someone because it is bad for them to be around them.

What to do when you are forbidding them from specific friends:

Stay calm, stay logical. If you shout, then things get out of control, so don’t shout, and don’t let them shout at you. Also, be sure that you are specific. You have to give reasons why you do not like someone, and how it affects your child. For example, do not say “They smell like smoke.” As how they smell does not affect your child’s well-being. But, “You are getting harder to reason with, and have a shorter temper.” That is a good way to show them what you specifically are having a problem with.

Help them replace their friend with something or someone else. If you do not like your kid’s friends, you can’t expect them to just give them up, you have to help them find something to replace it. Sign them up for a sport or activity they are interested in. Give them lessons, etc.

Or, Wait it out! Sometimes your child’s own best judgment will aid them in the end.

No related posts.

Warning Signs For Anorexia in Teens

Beverly Frank — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 00:52:50 +0000

Anorexia in teens is a serious problem that can turn into severe health issues, and potential death. It is not something that should be taken lightly, or ignored. Statistics show that several teens hide eating disorders for months or years before someone takes notice. As a parent you need to understand the severe health and emotional problems that can come from anorexia, and be on the lookout for the warning signs so that you should your teen suffer from this problem you can help them get treatment quickly and easily.

What are the warning signs? There are certain signs that should put you on the watch for an eating disorder in your teen. For example, an unnatural concern about body weight could be an indicator of a more serious problem. This is especially the case if the person is not overweight at all, and not really in danger of being overweight. This is a warning sign that should tell you that they have a warped sense of what body image should be, and that if not corrected, it could lead to more serious problems.

The next warning sign to be on the lookout for is an obsession with calories, fat grams and food or calorie counting. A normal teen without risk of anorexia will learn this stuff, take an interest, and forget it. If you find your teenager rejecting certain foods because of “calories” or “trans fats” or something similar, you may want to discuss their interest with them and evaluate if this is a sign of a problem with food, or a curiosity sparked by learning. Obsession with counting calories, or limiting food intake because of a fear of weight gain is a sure sign of eating disorder, or impending eating disorder.

Next, a huge warning sign for anorexia is that of using any medicines to keep from gaining weight (diet pills, laxatives, water pills, etc.). Teenagers should not be interested in such methods, and if you ever catch them using them, it should act as a big red flag that they are having a problem.

These are some of the more prevalent warning signs, of course in addition to that you may want to keep your eyes open for skipped meals, decreased appetite, etc. Most people with eating disorders will try and hide it if they are reducing their eating. They will have “legitimate” reasons for not being hungry, etc. However, as a parent you need to be wise to their reasons, and evaluate their honesty. If this becomes a frequent occurrence, even justified, you should look into it.

Of course, there are far more serious warning signs to watch for as well. Some indicate severity of an eating disorder, not a tendency toward potentially having one. Again, most teens with eating disorders, particularly anorexia, try and hide it, so you will have to be perceptive. Watch for things like refusing to eat or lying about how much was eaten. If you have to, scoop up their plate yourself, and make sure they finish it. Things like fainting can be a huge indicator of an eating disorder, specifically one that involves self starving. If your teen faints, talk to a physician about the reasons, and possibility of an eating disorder.

Over-exercising or an obsession with exercise is another sign of an eating disorder, as the two often go hand in hand because of the obsession with being thin. Not having periods is a warning sign that is easy to watch for. If you notice it has been a while since you purchased feminine products, or emptied a trash can with them in it, it could be a sign of an eating disorder as it messes with the monthly cycle and can eliminate it for a time. Lastly, watch for signs such as denial. Most teens who suffer from anorexia will swear there is nothing wrong, and make up excuses for their increased interest in their weight, their weight loss, or weight fluctuation.

Setting Boundaries for Your Text-Obsessed Teen

Beverly Frank — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 00:48:15 +0000

One of the biggest problems that many adults seem to have with teens who love to text is the seemingly lack of boundaries as to what is appropriate and what is not. Teens find themselves being able to say or send messages that they would never dare to say in the real world. This creates a false sense of freedom and coupled with most teens already inherent lack of realization for consequences can make the entire situation very serious. It is crucial that if you are the parent or other significant adult in a texting teen’s life that you help them determine appropriate boundaries for their texting. When boundaries are put into place teens learn that the correct and appropriate significance of what text messaging is supposed to do-be a way to communicate. Here is what you need to know about setting boundaries for your text obsessed teen.

Set clear guidelines as to what content you will allow to be sent. Most adults are uncomfortable to discuss anything with a sexual content with their teen. Now is the not the time to be squeamish. Texting with a sexual content otherwise known as “sexting” has become a huge problem. You must clearly spell out for your teen that you will not condone this behavior. Let him or her know that whether they are the instigators of a sexual message or simply passing it on they are equally guilty. In addition let them know that there is no acceptance of sexually suggestive pictures being passed through their cell phones as well. Help your team have a clear understanding of the possible consequences that can range from losing their cell phone to possible legal actions if a sexting message or picture is traced back to them.

Help your teen understand the ramifications of this technology. Despite their seeming maturity many teens still lack a certain empathy. It is important to help you teen understand that reputation damaging or bullying text are hurtful. Many teens mistake the anonymity of texting as the freedom to be able to say anything. Let them know that once it is out there, there is not a way to pull it back. While you may think your parenting days of teaching empathy and compassion are over if you have a teen that is texting they may just be beginning.

Let your teen know that you may be checking their cell phone at any time. This simple fact may serve as a deterrent for bad behavior. Since most parents pay for the cell phone there is a certain right to check what kind of text is being sent. Your teen should understand that you reserve the right to take the phone out of their hand at any time to check their text log.

Set guidelines as to when texting can be done. If your teen is sitting through dinner texting, trying to do homework and text and cannot seem to separate themselves from their phone it is time to set some time limits on texting. If you are concerned about the amount of time that texting is taking up in your teens life contact your phone company for a detailed record. Some parents request that their teen’s phone be given to them during meals, homework time and even when their teen goes to bed (this prevents those all-night texting sessions). Studies show that teens who do not have 24/7 access to texting are much more likely to send appropriate texts.

Make sure that your teen knows the consequences for violating your texting rules. Teens should know exactly what behaviors will get their phones taken away or their texting turned off. Remember that having a phone is a privilege and the sooner your teen learns that the better prepared they will be for adulthood right around the corner.

How to Tell If Your Teen is Depressed

Beverly Frank — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 15:14:27 +0000

It is crucial to understand that teenage depression is quite different from adults. This is because depression does not show the same symptom in teens as it does in adults. This makes depression in teens very difficult to diagnose. However, it is imperative that parents and other adults who work with teens understand the fact that depression in teenagers is as high as depression in adults, and can possibly lead to self harm or maybe suicide. Every adult should know how to tell if your teen is depressed.

The first and most important thing to realize is that teenagers with depression do not show the same activity as adults with depression. The problem for many parents becomes the fact that much of the behavior that is shown to be teenage depression are the same behaviors that many teens have at some stage. However, a diagnosis of clinical depression may present with the following behaviors:

Feelings of not being understood by adults in the teen’s life-These feelings are often expressed in subtle behavior changes.
Increasing antisocial behavior-This includes isolation from friends and favorite activities.
Trying to leave home and/or attempting to run away
Negative attitude and complaining of feeling “picked on” or disapproved of
Sudden increase in aggression
Withdrawal from the family and other social activities
Spends more time by themselves and prefers to be isolated.
Lack of adequate hygiene
Sudden decrease in grades
An unexplained weight loss or gain of over five pounds
Increased use of alcohol or drugs
Other self destructive behaviors (cutting, increased risk taking etc.)-

It should be noted that if your teenager is depressed they may exhibit only some or all of these symptoms. Parents should also understand that gender plays a part in how the depression will be exhibited. Teen girls with depression may become preoccupied with things of a morbid nature, while teenage boys will act up, becoming aggressive at school or at home, and perhaps getting into trouble with the police.

Parents are often confused and frustrated when their teens begin to act like this. They react out of fear, frustration and a lack of education. Some parents become stern disciplinarians, or even put the teen down, which only serves to increase feelings of guilt and depression. They tell their teen “to just get over it” which can only heighten the problem of self acceptance. Some parents feel too helpless to react, and stand by waiting for adulthood to arrive. It is crucial to understand that ignoring and not treating depression will not make it better. Parents and other adults must be vigilant about the signs of depression, and seek help for their teen, if they begin exhibiting symptoms.

The good news is that with proper diagnosis and treatment a depressed teen can be greatly helped. There are steps that can be taken to help expedite the treatment of depression. These are:

Have a medical opinion-Parents should understand that symptoms of depression can be the end result of a variety of illnesses, including thyroid, viral infections, and other factors. Your doctor can also prescribe medications, if they feel the situation is warranting that.
Encourage your teen to exercise daily-Even a brief walk can be a mood booster.
Seek out counseling-It is important that your teen have the opportunity to talk to someone they trust. Find a counselor who is experienced in treating teen depression.

Teenagers are notoriously moody, but if your teen exhibits the above described symptoms for over two weeks, they could be depressed. It is important to take teen depression seriously and remember that when it is treated, teens have a very high cure rate.

Showing Teens the Importance of Saving Money From Their Summer Jobs

Debbie Dragon — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 13:50:16 +0000

Many of us look back at our teen years and think of the carefree times with friends, the first car we owned and our first love. For most people it was a time in our life that we didn’t have to worry too much and most likely, we rarely, if ever thought about saving the money we earned. Times however have changed, and if you have a teenager who will be earning money this summer it is a good idea to sit down with them and talk with them about money management and the importance of starting to save.

As adults, especially in today’s world, many of us are wishing that we had learned about money and its importance at a younger age. If we had only started budgeting our money, saving our money and investing it earlier in life, where might we be now? Budgeting, saving and investing money is a life skill that is a necessity and it is never too early to start learning.

Need vs. Want

Many teenagers would love to spend every penny that they earn. The first step in teaching them about the importance of saving is explaining to them the difference between a want and a need. A need is something that is necessary like food, clothing, transportation, shelter, etc. Wants for teenagers are typically expensive clothing and shoes, fancy cars, video games and various forms of entertainment. While it is ok to spend some money on our wants, it is important to learn self control and discipline in the form of financial planning.

Create a Simple Budget

Helping teens set up a budget for the money they will make during the summers of their teen years will be the foundation of how they earn and spend their money throughout their life. Teach them to set aside a certain amount of money each pay check for essentials and a few luxury purchases. The remainder, which should be a large portion of their paycheck, should go into savings.

While it may seem strange to have teens begin saving for their retirement, in this day in age it is practical and can help to greatly make up for the deficiencies that they will face come retirement age. With pensions and other benefits diminishing, it will be more important than ever before for the teen generation of today to start saving at a very young age.

Motivation to Save

There are a few different things you can do to help get your teen motivated to save their money. Showing them in black and white how their money can compound interest and turn into a small fortune for them by retirement age, is a good place to start. Just a couple of thousand dollars in savings from each of their teen years can multiple to a lot of money.

Some teens might be better persuaded by showing them what they could have now with their money ( which is not a lot) compared to what they could get with it later, after it has multiplied.

Even if your teen is resistant to the idea of saving most of their money now, it is important to push them to do it. Some day they will be thanking you.

How to Save Money by Giving Your Child an Allowance

Bill Dwight — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 13:00:03 +0000

“Huh?” you say, “Won’t handing out allowance money to my child only increase my family’s spending?” No, not if you treat an allowance as a budget instead of a handout.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Give your child some purchasing responsibilities

Make your child responsible for some subset of his or her spending. Pick something your child really cares about. For young kids, this might be as simple as small treats or modest knickknacks. For example, my eight year old likes the occasional pack of gum as well as orange tic-tacs. For older kids, you might put them in charge of purchasing related to their entertainment, online games, sports, or hobbies. My oldest son is a drummer. He’s in charge of his drumming related purchases – which can definitely add up! I also like to put my teenagers in charge of purchasing their own clothes.

Step 2: Work out a budget and matching allowance

Once you’ve identified what your child is responsible for purchasing, work out a budget using sample items to calibrate the total amount. For the young ones, maybe it’s the rough equivalent of one pack of gum a week plus one Matchbox car a month. For my teenagers, I have them make a list of the essential clothing items they think they’ll need, tally it all up, and submit it to me and my wife for review and approval. (If you want to be harsh and simulate what goes on in the corporate world, just arbitrarily slash their budget in half like my old boss used to do! OK, I’m only half kidding…) Do whatever works for your family, your values, and your current financial situation.

With budget in hand, set an allowance to match it. Note that it’s often handy to have separate allowances that are delivered in different time-frames. For example, I like to deliver each teenager’s clothing allowance annually. That way, they get the experience of managing – or mismanaging – a relatively large chunk of money over a long period of time. That’s an important skill to master. If they run out of clothing funds, they either have to go without for the rest of the year, or make additional clothing purchases from their weekly general spending allowance. If they choose the latter, it means foregoing movies and other social activities for a while. The more they work through these types of trade-offs, the better. Of course, the important lesson is: you can’t have it all.

The nice thing about this disciplined budget-based approach is that you won’t feel swayed by what other families are doing. Your allowance amounts aren’t arbitrary, variable, or emotional. They have a clear explanation backed up by a practical budget and a clear set of expectations.

Step 3: Track the balance and get out of the way

With responsibilities, a budget, and an allowance in place, your job is primarily to get out of the way. It’s their money and their responsibility to make the decisions – as long as they keep their balance above zero. Of course, if my eight year old announces that he wants to buy cigarettes instead of tic-tacs with his money, I’ll step in. Obviously, you have the power of veto when a purchase defies your family’s values or poses health hazards. But use your veto power sparingly and only when really warranted. Otherwise, let them practice making their own decisions. Let them make mistakes and deal with the consequences (like blowing the budget on a wear-it-once dress only to ride out the rest of the year in T-Shirts).

You’ll often find that kids grossly underestimate what their budget should be. That’s OK. It’s all part of the learning experience. Rather than correct it right away, I’d advise letting them run with the lean budget so they can discover the mistake on their own. If they’re falling short due to poor purchasing choices, gently coach them on how to be more cost conscious: Do you really need designer jeans? Will you really wear those more than once? What about EBay? If their purchases are reasonable and they just underestimated their needs, allow them to renegotiate the budget when appropriate. Just don’t let that become a habit.

So, how does this save us money?

The budget-based allowance approach saves money the way all good budgets do: by putting constraints on spending and slowing down purchasing decisions. An essential element of the plan is ownership. You’ll be amazed at how frugal kids can be when it comes to spending their own money. Spending Mom and Dad’s money? That’s easy! Spending their own money? Not so fast!

You’ll also notice another pleasant side effect of this approach: it reduces family tension. Putting your child in charge with a budget eliminates the all-too-common whining and arguments around purchases. The point of purchase changes from extended begging (“Mom, can I have that? Why won’t you buy it for me? Pleeeeaase!!! Whaaaaahhhh!”) to a largely emotion-free assessment of the current balance (“Hmmm – do I have enough to buy this?”).

Saving money and saving nerves: now that’s what I like to call a “twofer”.

The Power of “Proud”

Eppie Vojt — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:06:05 +0000

You love your kids and, make no mistake about it, they know it.

You tell them regularly that you love them, you take good care of them, and you shower them with hugs and kisses. When you discipline them you make sure that they understand that it’s only their behavior you dislike — you don’t love them any less because they act up or disobey. But is it enough for your children to just know that you love them? Do they know that you’re also proud of them?

Monday night in our house is Dad’s night. Mom teaches dance classes starting at 4:00 and doesn’t get home until after bedtime, so that means I get to be in charge of dinner, evening free time, bath time, and putting the kids to bed. It means I’m also exclusively responsible for mediating arguments, doling out punishment, and otherwise ensuring that my wife’s efforts to raise good kids aren’t completely reversed in a 5 hour period. It’s a taller task than it might sound.

Sometimes, Mondays are easy. Other times, Mondays are more than a little frustrating. They almost always have more “Daniel took my pillow”s and “Lizzie keeps putting her feet on me”s than I would like. But at the end of the night, I’m always glad to have a chance to tuck my kids into bed, and to make sure they know how much I love them, and how proud I am to be their dad. And I make it a key point to separate those two things.

I’m Proud of You Because I Know You

When I tell my kids I’m proud of them, I’m speaking to their character. I’m saying, “I know what you are capable of, and I want you to live up to it — even if you fell short today. You are good, smart children. I believe in you.” This is particularly true when you can tell them you are proud of them, uncoupled from a specific action. I’ll still tell them I’m proud of them when they share without being forced to, or when they sincerely apologize without prompting, but there’s something special about an unattached “I’m proud of you” that will linger in the heart of a child longer than more direct praise.

Benefits To Children

Telling your kids that you not only love them, but are proud of them benefits them in many ways:

It increases their self-confidence
It serves as positive reinforcement of good behavior
It builds a stronger parent-child bond
It instills a desire in children to set and live up to high expectations

Telling your child that you’re proud of him or her won’t magically curb problem behavior, raise test scores, or create family harmony. But over time, it has the power to significantly influence all of these things. So if you can’t remember the last time you told your son or daughter that you were proud of him or her, do so today.

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