As amazing and wonderful as being a stay-at-home mom can be, if you don’t plan for the realities of it the stress and responsibilities can be daunting. Over the years I made my fumbles, but thankfully was, and still am, able to stay home with all of my children and be a part of their everyday lives in ways I just don’t think I could if I had taken that dream job.

The Dreaded Budget and Financial Fears

• If at all possible practice with a single-income budget before you make the move to become a stay-at-home mom. Stash your current paycheck into savings and only use the income provided by your spouse. This will give you a real-world sampling of what it will be like to live on one paycheck.
• Consider which things you can comfortably live without in order to reach your goal of living on a single income. Look for things you can remove the expense of and still find similar benefits elsewhere.
• Cable – check out DVDs from your library instead
• Dinner out once week – go for dinner out once a month or take a picnic somewhere so you still feel like you are getting out
• Winter vacations – consider travelling in off seasons for reduced rates
• Gym membership – get together with moms from the neighborhood to work out together (set days/times for meeting to walk) or look for used equipment for the home
• Wine of the month club – treats like this have the price tag of convenience, so make a trip yourself once month to choose your own treat
• Be ready to clip corners and coupons. I became an expert at searching ads and sale prices and knowing when a bargain is truly a bargain.
• Buy in bulk only when there is not a “best buy” date (unless you have a large family). Things like toilet paper and soap have great shelf lives so stock up when you find rock-bottom prices.
• Buy generic, especially when it comes to your staple items. Stores like Aldi’s carry many household basics at fractions of the cost (and the items often come from the same manufacturers, with different labels thrown on them).
• Find ways to be your own service-person. As the mother of 3 sons (one who grows hair like Sasquatch), I quickly realized that haircuts are one area where I can be the salon manager. I invested $24 in a quality “buzz kit” and found a friend who used to work in a salon to give me some quick lessons. Even if I only cut their hair once each year myself, I had paid for the buzz kit the first time I used it. Other ways you can do the job yourself include:
• Car washing
• Dog grooming
• Manicures/pedicures
• Housecleaning
• Yard maintenance
• Simple home repairs (before we ever consider calling in a repair man we check online – someone somewhere else has always had the same problem and posted their solutions)
• Taxes (it can be intimidating the first year, but you can calm your fears by trying it yourself and then taking it in for review)
• Vehicle maintenance (even my 16 year old daughter has changed the oil in the car)
• Use online resources like Freecycle, Vegsource, FatWallet, and Ebates to make the most of your stay-at-home dollar.

Beyond the Budget: Hurdles for Stay-at-Home Moms

Yes – the finances are an obvious obstacle for parents who want to stay home with their children. However, there are other factors that can become hurdles as well, especially if we don’t go into the situation with both eyes wide open. Staying home with the kids has wonderful benefits, but there can be some hidden dangers along the way. If both partners are not on board with the decision you are setting yourself up for resentment and frustration, and much larger problems down the road.

• Make the budget together so there are no surprises.
• Set aside time to be a couple. You will need this even more once you start spending the majority of your time home with the demands of young children, but your partner will also need to know that you still have time and energy for him.
• Clearly set up the expectations of the household. Your partner might think that you staying home means you take on all of the household responsibilities, 7 days a week. If this is not your intention – be up front with it. Tell him you need him to help with dishes on the weekends or vacuuming on Saturday morning.
• Stay-at-home moms have large workloads that just sometimes go unrealized by partners, but approaching the situation calmly and respectfully is better than just wishing he would help more at bath-time but resenting him because he doesn’t.

Birds of a Feather

Find others who are stay-at-home parents for companionship and compassion (you will give and receive both!). Friends who also stay home with their kids are great resources for budget hints, time-saving strategies, and the latest free concerts for the toddlers on weekday morning. You can also take turns babysitting so each of you get that much needed sanity break (even if it is just to run to the grocery store).

The life of a stay-at-home mom is not very glamorous or sadly, highly respected, in many circles. You need to choose this path because it is your passion and because you truly feel it is right for your family. If you do, maybe in the end you will find that it is your dream job, just like I did.

Related posts:

1. Is Your Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?
2. Coping with the Challenges of a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM)
3. Are All Stay At Home Mom’s Equal?

Parenting is tiring, and is sometimes absolutely exhausting – especially if you are trying hard enough. One of the biggest dangers of overscheduled parents is that the exhaustion can turn into a collapse of everything you have been working so hard to teach, share with, and learn from your children. This balance beam of working hard as a parent and falling asleep and crashing at the wheel is one of my personal demons I have faced as a parent, and have finally found some solutions.

Find the Quiet in Your Days

While I don’t recommend trying this one first, it does highlight the need for parents to experience quiet. I recently asked my husband to just leave me to bask in the winter sunshine of the surprisingly warm cab of his truck parked in our driveway so that I could take a nap, or at least steal a few quiet moments before the barrage of “What’s for dinner? Want to see me yo-yo? Where is my hat?” began. My husband smiled and said sure. I sat for a few moments and then eventually meandered my way to the door, and the barrage. Even those beautiful moments curled on the seat gave me reprieve, but there are some even more practical ways to find quiet in your days.

1. Make a Do Not Disturb sign for the door. If your kids are old enough to monitor themselves for even 15 minutes while you are in a nearby room, clearly explain that when this sign is on the door, this means that Mom needs 15 minutes of quiet. Use it to take an uninterrupted bath, sit on your bed and read a book, or talk on the phone with a friend. Don’t overuse the sign and be sure to give your kids positive attention when you emerge – they will learn that Mom comes out of her personal time-out refreshed and happy.

2. Swap driving time with friends. Sometimes the best quiet time is behind the wheel of the mini-van, driving along and singing to whatever radio station I choose, or just being content with my own thoughts. If you deliver a vanload of children to an activity and then another parent brings them home, you both saved yourself gas money and time, and bought yourself a quiet ride home.

3. Find an errand buddy. This is a great plan, especially because it is valuable from the time your kids are babes until much older (and louder). Set aside a few hours each week where you take turns with each other’s children, perhaps you taking hers on Monday from 2-4 and she takes yours on Thursday from 9-11. You get to grocery shop, go to hair appointments, or just breathe.

4. Install the feet off the floor rule, courtesy of my 92-year-old grandmother. Until her children were graduated she instituted this rule each summer they were home from school, just so she had 30 minutes to an hour of quiet time each afternoon. The rule was that the kids didn’t have to nap, but they had to keep their feet off the floor. Grab a book, a sketch pad, or anything else, and get busy getting quiet. I have used this and it is a great way to get the kids to slow down their own frantic pace as well, I don’t hear the constant thundering in the house, and we all feel recharged afterward.

Become Your Own Best Friend

One of the most important and influential relationships you will ever have is the one you create with yourself. If you feel exhausted, ragged, and worn down, it is really challenging to move from that place to one that has energy for positive parenting, and a negative cycle can easily suck you into frustrated outbursts, arguments, and short-tempers. Begin by giving yourself what you need to be the kind of person you want to be around, and your family will be better able to honor that special person who you are.

5. Define you – and accept your partner’s definition of himself. Think about what makes you tick and what gets your mind excited. My husband and I recently had a great conversation about the differences he and I have about this. He needs more time alone than I do, and has very specific ways he wants to spend this time – hunting (which he does do with the boys), working on his truck, exercising, and watching movies I just don’t get. On the other hand, I thrive on spending time with my kids as they participate in activities, gardening and yard-work, writing, and trying new recipes in the kitchen.

6. Exercise. Sigh. I know it sounds mundane, but hear me out. Exercise is great for your body, can improve your self-image, will give you more energy (in the long-run), and sets a great example for your kids. When I exercise also don’t have to carry on conversations about things like the reasons why we are not using the stairs for an indoor sledding hill – I’m puffing and grunting too much to make conversing worthwhile for anyone. Bonus!

7. Treat yourself in small ways each day. I treat myself with a cup (or 5) of tea, phone calls and emails with friends, and a hot bath on a cold MN night, new favorite book in hand. Some days I even go wild and crazy and leave my kids in the children’s wing of the library and go to the adult section and find what I would love for my own bedtime story. Find small ways that give you what you need each day to help you remain true to yourself, and your children will have a calmer, more loving and capable parent.

My parents once told me about a décor sign that made them chuckle – parenting is like being pecked to death by a chicken. Some days it just feels like that! All parents, whether working full-time outside of the home, stay-at-home mammas, or work-at-home dads, need to recharge. I hope I won’t have to resort to requesting quiet time in the cab of the truck anytime soon, but you never know!

How do you recharge as a parent?

Related posts:

1. When Your Teen Pushes Your Buttons – Communication Strategies for Parents
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3. Preventing The Downward Spiral – 6 Steps for Parents of Teens

Christian parenting refers to a style of parenting that derives its goals and methods from Biblical and church teachings and has several common threads running through the approach. In a way, the Bible is a reflection of families. God teaches through the Bible right from wrong, charitable living, graceful giving, and strength of faith. For those who practice Christian parenting, these are the same attributes that they endeavor to teach their children. The Bible is the most complete manual and playbook, far above any parenting book sold at the mall.

3 important aspects of Christian parenting in my own life are:

• Leading by Example
• Disciplining with Love
• Focusing on Marriage

Leading by Example

Parents who pursue a Christian approach to parenting often seek to lead by example. This doesn’t make them unique in their parenting, as many parenting styles reflect this approach as well. Perhaps the difference is that the examples that parents choose to set are often reflective of their faith and their beliefs in biblical teachings.

Leading by example holds the parents responsible, and their actions must speak for them. If you want your child to treat others with respect, you need to be respectful. If you want your child to learn to be prayerful, have strong morals, and be faithful, you need to find ways to exhibit these same behaviors in your own life.

Many times parents who adhere to Christian foundations in their parenting styles find that there is a strong correlation between the responsibility for decisions that we must possess and model for our kids and the responsibility for our decisions that God gives us. We have been given the gift of choice, and our everyday actions need to reflect the choices we hope our children will make.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Disciplining with Love

There seems to be a misconception that the only way Christian parenting styles are effective is if the parents use corporal punishment for every infraction. However, Christian parenting demonstrates that we need to discipline our children in order to guide them – we have this one, amazing gift that we have been given, parenthood – we owe it to our children to lead them well. Children, like the rest of us, are imperfect. Discipline in a loving way acknowledges the imperfections and corrects behaviors without harming the child.

Not only are parents taught in the Bible to discipline their children with love, but they are taught the importance of self-discipline. For many who follow Christian parenting styles, the essence of why as parents we discipline our children is to lead them to a life of self-discipline. Biblical teachings for parenting guidance can be found in Hebrews 12, verses 5-11, where the discipline God gives is discussed. God wants people to become their ultimate versions of their unique selves, and He disciplines us in the same loving way that we discipline our children. If a parent is struggling with the actions of her child, doesn’t she often just want what is best for her child? This is the parallelism between God’s love for us and our love for our children, and why discipline is necessary and a loving action.

Focusing on Marriage

One of the most powerful things we can give our children is a strong family. Christian parenting teaches that honoring the relationship between Mom and Dad is paramount in raising happy, healthy children. It can be very easy to get caught up in the craziness of kids’ schedules and work demands and put marriage and that partnership commitment on the backburner. Christian parenting not only gives permission, but encourages the emphasis of that marital bond. I admit that this is sometimes very difficult for me – it sometimes feels like I am ignoring my children or putting them second if I take a special day with my husband. However, I know that the energy I put into the relationship with my husband will be returned infinitely within my family.

Christian Parenting in My Life

I never set out and formally said “I want to follow the attributes of Christian parenting” when our first child was born. Instead, I knew in my heart that I wanted to give my children the gift of faith and the knowledge of Jesus. Children learn so much easier by active participation so I strove for ways to show them about what I felt it meant to be a Christian. I began to look at different parts of our lives and imagine how God would parent in a particular situation, or how Mary would act as Mother.

There is the fad for kids to wear WWJD bracelets (What would Jesus do?), but when I see my children seriously look to their faith for guidance I know they have chosen the most amazing role model, especially in the face of so many pop culture icons grabbing for their attention. As my children and I continue to grow, in life and in faith, I can look back and see how Christian parenting provided a foundation for our family. It is the ever-present guiding hand and supportive strength in our lives.

Related posts:

1. Can I Really Practice Unconditional Parenting?
2. Do You Have a Parenting Plan?
3. What’s Your Parenting Style

1. If we yell, they will learn to yell. We can’t really believe that we get to go around the house hollering and not expect them to do the same. Even when we are frustrated, or perhaps especially when we are frustrated, our yelling does not teach them how to understand the frustration we might be feeling with them. It only teaches them how to use their voice to try to gain control over a situation. If you’ve ever heard your child yell at a sibling or friend, can you hear your own voice inflection behind their own?
2. We can’t gossip. Even when we think they aren’t listening, they are. If we sit in the living room and gossip with our partners about our co-workers or talk on the phone obsessing with a friend about not believing she wore that to the dinner party, we teach our children that gossip is OK. Sometimes the hardest way to learn that lesson is to hear your child repeat your gossip among others and hear the cruelty it brings from their lips. For adults gossiping seems to be the new version of bullying, because we push people’s feelings around with words.
3. We have to follow through with commitments. If I tell my kids that I will attend their play, watch them in a curling bon spiel (hey – we live in the great north), or help them with homework, we have to do those things. If we don’t, we have little right to expect them to follow through on their commitments.
4. We need to put family first. It starts with our children and making them priorities, but it also includes supporting extended family as well. These are the people we will have to lean upon during our lives, and who will in turn support our children. If we think our kids aren’t remembering to value family members, we need to think about how we are showing value ourselves.
5. We have to take care of ourselves. It can be a really challenging thing for parents, I think in particular moms, to do. Placing importance on our own needs doesn’t mean we can’t put our kids and our partner as priorities. It just means that we love them enough to want to give them the best parent possible, and we can’t do that if we ignore our health check-ups, give up on personal hobbies, and forget how to reach for our own goals. Taking care of ourselves teaches our children how to be healthy people by eating well, exercising, and being emotionally healthy.
6. We need to nurture our intimate relationships. This might sound like a strange thing to have on this list, but think about the last time your child saw you getting along really well with your partner. It probably made them smile to see you teasing each other, or they felt secure knowing that you were a team and working together. Providing this solid foundation not only helps your kids feel great during childhood, but it teaches them how to have respectful and nurturing relationships in the future.
7. We need to accept defeat. This can be one of the toughest lessons our children can teach us. We want to be the strong, capable parents that they want us to be, but the truth is that we are all humans and we all make mistakes and experience failures. If we aren’t honest about these downfalls, we risk raising children who think they have to be perfect because their parents are (or seem to be). Letting our children see us as human and struggling teaches them how to acknowledge their own shortcomings and learn how to move on from there.

Our kids are the reasons why we strive to be better people. When we see something negative in our children, the first place we need to look is in the mirror. While we can’t blame every inappropriate behavior or negative action of our child on ourselves, we can take to hear the lessons our kids teach us about leading better lives. I for one am so glad I have my kids here around me to keep me in line!

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Boys – those mystical creatures who fill our homes with mayhem and moments to treasure. Raising boys is sometimes like navigating a mine field of bottled energy, strings of confusing and humorous conversations, and armpit farts. As the mother of three sons, I’ve seen how boys bring a special kind of life into our home. I’ve also seen how I need to adjust my parenting as they grow and mature so that we can keep that bottled energy from exploding in our faces and keep the conversations flowing. Raising caring, compassionate boys is more than about teaching manners and laying down rules for behaviors. It is about allowing them to be boys and understanding how humor influences their communication styles and approaches (even those armpit farts).

The Humor of Boys

Not a day goes by without a giggle fest in our home over bodily functions or sounds, tricks played on siblings, or repeated jokes. An interesting study done by Alexander Kozinstev, an anthropology professor, looked at how humor affects the communication skills of boys ages 9 through 18. In his findings, Kozinstev reports that, “From trying to deliver the funniest joke, to making the funniest bodily noises, boys used humor when communicating with peers 68 percent more than girls in similar social situations.” It appears that this sometimes raw humor is a boy’s way of navigating through social situations. When they are insecure humor is the tool with which they use to test the waters.

When boys make someone laugh, even laugh at them, it can feel like an acceptance and a reward. Silly things like putting a bug on their own nose and crossing their eyes or the ever popular belching duals are worn like a badge of honor on the sleeves of boys who can garnish the most laughter. Boys might try to deflect more serious conversations through humor, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t understand the gravity of emotional issues – they just deal with them outwardly differently.

Other researchers agree with Kozinstev’s assessments, including the author of the Knowledge Essential Series Amy James. She claims that gender does influence the ways in which children communicate, especially when it comes to humor. This is absolutely true on our home, where my daughter and I have had many conversations about how you will never catch her and her female friends sitting around the living room having belching contests or being proud of bodily noises. The girls still giggle, but their reasons for laughter come from completely different sources of humor. They are also less inclined to joke easily with new acquaintances – they look more for emotional connections.

Humor and Communication

Our boys seem naturally drawn to use humor to communicate, and while it sometimes seems like they don’t take things seriously enough, there are ways to teach boys to use humor and still be respectful.

• Make sure your son understands the differences between teasing that hurts and truly good natured ribbing.
• Talk with your son about boundaries for boy humor – dinner table manners, socially acceptable behaviors, and so forth.
• Talk about empathy and how they can watch the body language of others to make sure their humor isn’t over the line.
• Establish rules for school. Remind them that answering a serious question from the teacher with a flippant remark is not only disrespectful, but it can have other negative consequences such as detention.
• Keep using your own verbal communication skills to talk about things with them. It is important that they learn that humor can’t always make the intended impact.
• Have fun with them – even if humor is your typical way to approach situations. They will sometimes respond so much better when we let ourselves remember what it is like to be kids.

Boys have their own special languages they use for communication – humor. It might sometimes scrape our nerves as nails scrape a chalkboard, but in reality it can be a very effective way to interact with others. As a child I remember not understanding how my own mother could have earned an actual Ph.D. in Rhetorical Theory and write a paper on Rhetorical Theory and Humor. Now I get it – she was probably just learning how to communicate with her own kids.

Related posts:

1. Raising Boys Vs. Girls
2. Emotion Coaching Boys
3. How to Teach Your Child A Foreign Language

Watching a news clip recently reminded me about the importance of encouraging our children to become entrepreneurs. Carl Schramm, co-president of the Kaufman Foundation, reports that it is encouraging news that there is “huge enthusiasm among kids to start businesses.” This enthusiasm, while not enough to immediately improve the economy, is vital for the future of developing businesses in this country. Suddenly I feel a little pressure to make sure that as a parent I don’t squash one iota of entrepreneurial spirit that my kids are displaying.

Help Kids to Chase Their Entrepreneurial Dreams

No pressure. Just the fate of the modern world balancing on our shoulders to help raise children who can successfully become entrepreneurs – be their own bosses and make their marks in the world, all while positively impacting the national and global economy. OK – there doesn’t need to be that much pressure, but parents do need to be that support system that will allow kids to become entrepreneurs.

Encourage the spirit. If you have a child who wants to sell lemonade, homemade stickers, old baseball cards, or even pet rocks, encourage him to try. Even if the thought of running your own business is foreign or unappealing to you, give room for your child to explore this option.

Don’t stop your child from failing. Failure is one of the best teachers in life. Eons ago during my own childhood my older sister (I think she was about 6) wanted to earn money. Her grand plan was to sell newspapers. Old newspapers from a rusty red wagon. And we were the second to last house on a dead-end country road, and weren’t allowed to leave the end of the driveway. But my parents let her load her wagon with every old newspaper she could find and pace the driveway. Of course no customers ever came, but she learned that not all plans work as dreamed, but it doesn’t mean you have to stop dreaming. If you don’t let your child fail, she won’t know how to improve her approach and plans next time.

Help find answers. You don’t have to be a small business owner to teach your child how to be an entrepreneur. Help them learn how to find answers to their questions. Start with the library, your local small business association, and Better Business Bureau. There are some great books geared toward kids, such as Kidbiz: Everything You Need to Know to Start Your Own Business.

Be a subtle guiding hand. When my daughter wanted to prepare and sell dog treats to raise money for a non-profit, I was concerned about the legal issues. I suggested she contact the FDA, who in turn steered her to the USDA. At first she was told she could do this as long as 100% of the proceeds went to the non-profit. It turns out this was a learning curve for her and her contact with the USDA however, as she was later contacted and told she could bake and sell nothing – not even at an old fashioned craft and bake sale. Apparently there are more strict guidelines on dog food than on some human foods! While she was extremely disappointed, she learned a valuable lesson about the intricacies of the law and the importance of covering your business basics.

Teach your child some lessons about finances. You don’t need to dictate how and where to spend the money, both for supplies and from profit, but you should start with some real world examples of expenses and income. If your child needs start-up money make sure that you only provide it in the form of a loan to be paid back upon first profits earned or through other specific means if the venture would fail. These are real plans with real consequences – real life teaching real money management lessons.

Who Becomes an Entrepreneur?

Perhaps it is because we homeschool our kids that they are used to independent processes, or they see me work-at-home part-time and are drawn to the flexibility and rewards of it. Maybe it is because they have seen their father run his own part-time business from home that they can’t imagine a career completely dictated by someone else.

While I never set out to directly teach my kids to have an entrepreneurial sense, it does appear that I have fallen precisely into the statistics. Reports indicate that the anatomy of entrepreneurs is very much mirrored in my home. The typical adult entrepreneur is married, has children, and a solid educational foundation, and does not necessarily come from a home where parents were entrepreneurs. Research also shows that parents do play a role in at least encouraging their kids to explore the possibilities of running their own companies.

Preparing our kids for their futures and their future possibilities as entrepreneurs is no easy task. I guess I had better prepare for more worm farms (yes – one son has done that) and online marketing. The future of the economy depends on it. Gulp.

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Moms and dads should always vacation together and share hobbies, right? Let’s change the question. How boring would we be if we only loved the exact same things, only wanted to do them with each other, and always felt we needed to share every activity? Separate mini-vacations can provide parents with the opportunities to pursue their own favorite things to do. They should not be replacements for time together or requirement to survive life at home. Instead, they should be additions to your family life that make your marriage and your family more fulfilling.

Why Taking Care of Yourself is Not Selfish

Marriage requires work, commitment, compromise, and trust that allows for both partners to have individual space. In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, readers are introduced to a married couple who are like so many parents – they have become so child-centered that their own needs have been pushed aside and their entire family is suffering for it. The Gottmans remind parents that problems can develop when well-intentioned parents actually end up using their kids as excuses for neglecting their own relationship needs.

Their research has also shown that children who have parents who place priority on their own marriage and respond to their partners’ needs give their children the examples of healthy relationships that their children need in order to eventually have their own healthy relationships. There is less family tension and children are less likely to develop depression or become withdrawn.

The Gottmans encouraged this couple to take time for their own marriage and their individual adult needs. As part of this the husband planned a separate vacation doing an activity with a friend. While this required the wife to be responsible for the children and household duties during this time, it was also a way for her to acknowledge her husband’s needs and express her love for him by wanting him to do something for himself.

How to Make Separate Vacations Work

Make certain each partner feels that the decision is fair. The vacations don’t have to be for the same length of time or even cost the same amount of money. The most important thing is that each partner feels that he or she has an equal opportunity for his or her own activities and interests. For my husband this means looking forward to his hunting and golfing each year. He doesn’t really understand why I don’t take my own “girl vacations” and has told me several times that he wishes I would each year. However, for me the best vacations are my short strolls through the nursery inhaling the scents of the flowers, the afternoons spent Christmas shopping for exactly the right gift for my children, or an evening out with girlfriends for coffee and pie. I truly treasure these moments and savor my time spent doing what I choose, and feel like I can take more of these very mini-vacations throughout the year because they can happen more easily.

While one parent takes a short vacation, the other can provide care for the kids, saving babysitting costs and general concerns about childcare. When the vacationing parent comes home, it is good for him or her to give the other parent a break, acknowledging the extra time and energy that was spent parenting solo for that period of time. It is also important that there is still time, energy, and funding for joint vacations or time away together as a married couple to refresh and renew that committment.

Twice a year my husband takes his own mini-vacations, one for the elusive deer he hunts on his childhood farm, the other for a steak eating, golf club swinging guy adventure hosted by his uncle. These give him the opportunities to spend time with family and friends and continue traditions that were started years ago, some before I ever met him. These individual vacations also give him the time to recharge his batteries (his own descriptive cliché) and are activities that he truly enjoys. I’m not a hunter (unless it is for a bargain at the mall), and my golf swing is scarier than my tennis swing. I know that supporting him in his own interests is a gift I can give to him and to our children, without sacrificing my own needs. Marriage is really a two-way street, and it is OK to send your spouse down the road alone once in a while.

Related posts:

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Fighting the Feast or Famine

Freelance work is more lance than free – requiring the skills of a swordsman to combat the multitudes of hands pulling in opposite directions. As a freelance work-at-home mom, there is no guarantee of client roll calls every month, so it is very challenging to turn down projects. The pressure might be self-inflicted or budget-inflicted, but turning down projects can feel impossible, especially if you have been through periods of famine where you can’t find an ounce of work.

Celebrate the Feast

• Take on the projects you can complete, even if it means you might be a little more harried.
• Assess which clients you can ask to adjust timelines and which ones you know are set in marble basements without any hope of daylight.
• Give yourself a timeline of craziness. If you agree to take on 3 months of extra work, make sure you stick with the promise to yourself to take a break when the 3 months are up.
• Manage time – don’t let it destroy you. Get creative about when and where you can get the work done, and consider hiring a temporary assistant – either to share in your client workload or your household chores.

Fighting the Perception

I’ve been a stay-at-home-mom, working mom (outside of the home), and a WAHM. Whenever those questions of Do you work? and What do you do? are asked, the looks from people are predictable. Work-at-home moms often get somewhere between intrigue and the, “oh – I’m not sure that really qualifies as work…” look.

Set the Tone

• If someone or a group of some ones expects that because you work at home that you can watch their kids, drive their kids, or make the 345 cupcakes for school, set down some ground rules for time. You can even say that you don’t finish work until 3:00, so anything you do will have to come after that. Self-imposed scheduling hours are valuable – don’t let someone take them away from you.
• Be proud of what you do. It takes determination and the managing skills of a Fortune 500 company to successfully work from home and raise a family.

Fighting Yourself

There is an internal battle of worries about whether or not being a WAHM is better for my kids (and me) than the other choices ahead. Will the kids forever look back at their childhood and see a mom who worked from home, and was therefore not really there all of the time? Or… Will they look back on their childhood and see a mom who was so dedicated to being there that she worked in her pajamas while the kids slept and she managed to sleepwalk through housework so she could help teach them how to make Stromboli for lunch?

Be a Wife and Mom First

• Have priorities. I chose to be a WAHM so that I could be here for and with my kids. When I make their needs priorities, I feel better about stealing an hour or two to work while they do their own things.
• Set personal goals. I strive to schedule time to be with my husband each week even if it means skipping the extra 2 hours I need for an editing project to hang out together, and then cramming those in while he goes for a run.
• Give yourself permission to stop. The other morning my youngest son woke very early while I was working at the computer. He walked in, saw me, and then turned to leave without a word. I asked him what he wanted, and he turned and said, “I see you are typing. I won’t interrupt. I just wanted to tell you I love you.” Of course I scooped him up into my arms and told him that was the best thing I had heard all day. Then we snuggled and had cocoa, relishing the quiet morning together. I didn’t meet my morning goal, but I did meet my mother goal. And so goes the war of the work-at-home mom.

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The Risks of Divorce for Our Kids

If your family is anything like ours, there is a tag-team approach that has to happen in order for all of our children to get to where they need to be and have at least one parenting supporting them in the process. The hectic schedules of modern families don’t leave a lot of room for romantic dinners or quiet conversations about anything or nothing. However, research shows that making our marriages priorities really will result in healthier kids. The increasing divorce rates have also given rise to new statistics for children of divorce:

• Children of divorce are more than twice as likely to suffer from a mental health disorder.
• Children who live with married parents have the highest grade point averages, while those who come from divorced homes have the lowest.
• 41.2% of children from families with intact marriages report having “warm and loving” dads, compared with only 6.3% of children whose parents are divorced.
• Children who come from homes with intact marriages are less likely to live in poverty and rely on welfare.
• Daughters who come from divorced homes are more likely to give birth outside of marriage and/or divorce themselves.
• Adult children of divorce have poorer relationships with their parents and are less likely to participate in multi-generational relationships where they care for older members of society.

While the list goes on and on for those things that negatively impact the lives of children who experience divorce in their families, it does not mean that all hope is lost. It does mean that there is an uphill battle that needs to be waged in order for children of divorce to thrive and experience positive relationships.

Making Marriage a Priority in Busy Families

As I am about to celebrate my 16^th wedding anniversary, I am immensely thankful for the relationship I have with my husband. This is not only because I love him and he is my best friend, but because our strong marriage will help our children grow up to be healthy adults. Instead of having to overcome the obstacles that divorce creates for children, I want to proactively make sure that I am doing everything I can to safeguard my marriage.

Research shows that successful marriages need several key ingredients.

• Positive thoughts and actions between spouses
• Empathy towards partners
• Commitment to the relationship
• Acceptance in the relationship where each partner feels valuable
• Mutual love and respect between partners

Creating and maintaining all of these sounds wonderful, but where in reality can this be done while leading the busy lives of raising children?

• You may have heard it 1000 times, but make time for each other. This can be by getting up early to spend a few minutes together in the morning before the kids fly through the house, or making sure that each day you have 10 minutes of down time, alone, where you can discuss your day.
• Go out on dates! Almost all married couples started this way – spending time together. Make an effort to have monthly or weekly date nights. When our kids were younger we swapped childcare duties with friends so each of our families had at least one date night each month.
• Spend simple time together. This could be going along with a spouse while he runs errands, just so that you have the extra minutes while in the car to catch up on the day.
• Get goofy! Go to the batting cages, take a clowning class together, or head out to see a comedian. Laughing together is one of the best ways to reduce stress and form bonds.
• Make and keep rituals together. Maybe he always says good-bye the same way in the morning or you make his favorite family recipe each summer when the ingredients are in season. These are important because they show your spouse that you value him enough to keep up the effort.
• Take up a hobby together or exercise together. Having common goals can bring you closer.
• Surprise your spouse with a special note or even night out together.
• Give yourself permission to tell the kids “no” to sleepovers, outings, or something else on their list in order to make sure you have an evening with your spouse.
• Thank your spouse for all he does for you and the family.
• Tell your spouse something about yourself that your spouse probably doesn’t know. Make up your own version of “The Newlywed Game” and try to learn something new or laugh together at how well you already know each other.

The days and weeks fly by so quickly when raising a family that it can be too easy to put our marriages on hold while we do everything we can to raise our children. We actually should be doing everything we can to create and maintain amazing marriages, and raising healthy, happy children will be that much easier.

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It is an extremely devastating and difficult time for parents when they learn that their child has a medical condition. A tidal wave of emotions and change of course for the entire family is suddenly thrust upon their shoulders.

Fifteen years ago I was sitting in a college lecture when I was summoned by campus security and told that my husband needed me to meet him at the hospital where our 9 month old daughter was being taken by ambulance. I don’t quite remember my drive to the ER, but I do vividly remember when I saw my dark haired beauty screaming on a stretcher, as doctors worked around her. My fingers ran over her dark curls and I sang her favorite song to her, and was told that she had a seizure while snuggling in my husband’s arms that evening.

Coping with the Diagnosis

That one day was the change in our course as new parents, who until that time had only battled with the occasional runny nose for our baby. We eventually received a diagnosis: epilepsy of no known origin. Nothing can quite prepare a parent for hearing doctors instantly alter the dreams they held for their child, but there are some things that they can do to move through the process and come out a stronger family on the other side.

Grief

It may sound extreme, but grief is exactly what parents often feel when their child faces a medical crisis. There is a loss of security and hope for the future and uncertainty ahead. It is important to recognize the phases of grief: denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance, and know that there is no magical time table for moving through these stages. Parents should seek help through family, friends, their church, the community, and medical professionals for these overwhelming feelings.

Education

There is nothing as powerful as education. When a parent faces a medical crisis with their child, asking questions and researching options not only helps them make better decisions for their child’s care, but helps to provide some sort of control where most seems lost.

• Start a binder or folder of information. Use it to record questions, answers, symptoms, calendars of appointments, and anything else pertaining to your child’s medical care.
• Assemble insurance and healthcare coverage information. Understanding your coverage will make you a more proactive consumer (because in reality a consumer is what we partially become in a healthcare system). Keep a separate folder or binder for this information and it will make bill paying that much easier as well.
• Make financial plans. Whether it is time off of work without pay, travel expenses to hospitals, or overall medical bills, do what you can to prepare for the oncoming debt.

Support

• Your child will need your support the most and you will provide this just as you have provided everything else in her life. Most of all, reassure your child that this diagnosis is not her fault and this does not make you love her less – but even more than you already thought possible.
• Don’t forget to accept support for yourself.
• Find a support group for your child’s condition. For us the Epilepsy Foundation was a wonderful resource and it empowered us as parents and connected us to others in the same situation.
• Rely on your faith. There sometimes isn’t much parents can do while their child cries through another CT scan other than pray.
• Share with others. Family and friends are more than willing to help, if they just know what to do. My mother and sister came and stayed in our hotel one night and helped keep our then 2 year-old daughter awake for an entire night so that she could have a sleep-deprived EEG to measure her seizure activity. While it was just 12 hours, it was an immense gift to us as parents struggling to also care for our newborn son in the hotel, get rest ourselves, and have strength to deal with the day ahead.
• Make time for your partner and your other children. It can seem impossible through travelling, doctor appointments, medication schedules, and the other necessary routines in life, but at the end of the day it is your family who will be by your side. Even carving out 1 hour a month to spend with your spouse where you don’t discuss anything of importance is invaluable to keeping that connection.

Parenting should have the motto of the Peace Corps – The toughest job you’ll ever love. There is nothing that compares to it, and nothing that can prepare you for hearing a medical diagnosis for your child. As a young, new parent I felt ill prepared for such a journey, but our family grew through the trials and challenges and came out stronger than ever. On the other side of that journey we received another medical diagnosis for our daughter: spontaneous abruption of epileptic episodes. She has been seizure free for 10 years without medication and is showing us every day to keep dreaming for our kids – we never know how our prayers will be answered.

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