There are many children and adolescents who suffer from low self-esteem. They may say things like, “I am so stupid”, “I am not as pretty as so and so” or “I can’t do anything right.” One of my clients complained about her daughter, “I keep on telling her she is pretty and smart and fun; she gets annoyed and says you just say that because you are my mother!” What can we do to boost our children’s self esteem? How can we stop our children from putting themselves down?
The key is this, when we compliment our children we want to avoid giving them evaluative praise- like “you are so smart”, “you have the best personality”, “ you are so pretty”. Evaluative praise is seen as mechanical and empty, it gives children a fleeting sense of well being. That is why my clients daughter was so resistant to listening to her mother. This type of praise makes children uncomfortable and defensive. Children need descriptive praise. Descriptive gives children a positive image of their capabilities and will truly boost their self esteem.
Here are some examples of descriptive praise:
Instead of: “You are the greatest”
Be descriptive and remind her of the times that she was helpful and kind:
“Remember the time, I couldn’t find my earring and you looked all over the place and found it. That was so helpful and kind.”
Instead of: “You are so pretty”
Be descriptive and focus on her ability to put herself together:
“I love the way that blue sweater matches your eyes. That is a good color for your skin toneWe . The sweater and the skirt together reminds me of an outfit I saw in a magazine.”
Instead of: “You are so smart.”
Be descriptive and focus on her accomplishments:
“I remember your last essay that you wrote for English class. It showed that you really felt Anne Frank’s plight and frustration. Your teacher also felt that way- remember her comments.”
Instead of: “You are so nice”
Be descriptive and tell her how she has made you feel:
“I was having a really rough time today, I didn’t know if I was going to get dinner on time and I was feeling frazzled. I really appreciate that you unloaded the dishwasher and did your brother’s job of setting the table. That helped me get calm and focus on cooking dinner. I felt we were a good team tonight.”
Instead of: “You are the most intelligent girl I know”
Be descriptive and acknowledge the effort she put into her work:
“You really worked hard on this science project. You took the time to decide on a topic that interested you. You did the research that you needed to do at the library and on the computer. You did the artwork and the writing for the presentation. When the experiment didn’t work like it was supposed to you asked your teacher and I for ideas and help. You should be proud of the effort you put into your work.”
When we use descriptive praise with our children we paint pictures of their accomplishments and their developing talents. Evaluative praise, “Your’e the best” can be erased the next day by a negative comment, “You will never learn.” But you can’t ever take away the time she helped cheer up her sister by getting her an ice cream cone, or the time he did his chores without being asked. These memories, based on his concrete actions, become a part of the child ‘s sense of self. He can draw on them when he is feeling down a
Thank you for this important advice. It is so easy to do or say the wrong thing by accident. You think you are doing the right thing but it all back-fires. Your article provides a very clear picture of the correct way to phrase comments and build self-esteem.