Parents are generally one of two extremes. On one end, there are those who regale you with one horror story after another every chance they get. They rant about the cost of diapers, vaccines, and tuition fees. They complain about how hard it is to find a sitter, and how they never get couple or ‘me’ time anymore. In fact, there was a time when my husband and I believed that babies are a natural family planning method since just tiptoeing towards my husband for some hugs and conversation resulted in a deeply sleeping baby suddenly waking up. I kid you not.
At the other end are the parents who gush and rave about babies being perfect. They’ll tell you how they have never felt closer to their spouse and how every couple should have one… or more. They talk about being happy all the time and finding every little thing rewarding.
Thankfully, I am a mix of both so you know I’ll give you the gush-free truth:
Did having a child make our marriage better? Absolutely!
We got a stronger ‘sense of family’
When we were still childless and just married, it felt like things hadn’t changed much from when we were dating. Now we were living together and bickering over whose turn it was to do chores. We pretty much earned, spent and kept our own money. There was still a lot of doing our own thing. None of these were bad but it really just felt like dating in a deeper way.
However, the minute we found out we were pregnant, things changed. Suddenly, there were talks about money, how we’d earn it and save it. There were talks of what values we want to inculcate in our child. There were talks of dreams for that child and our family. Hubby started tagging along wherever I would go. My difficult pregnancy taught me to depend on my husband in a way I never did before. It also taught him that I needed him in other ways, not just to carry heavy bags.
We officially stopped just being the son and daughter of our parents when the baby came out. And we started building on our own rules, our own standards, and our own goals as a family. When our parents and elders try to meddle in our affairs (and they always do!), we gently remind them, ‘this is our family now.’
We became better resource managers
I did say we started talking about money right? After the baby arrived, it became imperative that we had health insurance and savings and cash for emergencies. Purchases had to be discussed and trips sometimes taken off season for cheaper rates. Talk about delaying gratification!
We also learned to manage our time, because the baby was demanding in every sense of the word. The need to eat, sleep or take a bath became an exercise of invention, creativity and well, magic. Squeezing in ‘ME’ and ‘US’ time was hard but critical for our sanity and love for each other. We even have routines now.
Fiercely independent before, we also learned how to turn to family and friends for support.
Now, we are reusing stuff we didn’t throw away all those years ago for our child’s playing and learning activities. You’ll be amazed at just how the junk you couldn’t part with before is the perfect writing tablet for your son’s doodles. And yes, one way or another, we always found more space in our home.
We became a stronger team
My husband helped care for my son even if I was a stay-at-home Mom. I, in turn, worked within our budget and made sure we had savings from our one income. We attended parenting seminars together and made little and big decisions together. We talked about breastfeeding, and babywearing, and homeschooling. We talk about disciplining our child, our limitations, and our expectations. We make sure we’re equally involved and pick up the other’s slack when the occasion calls for it.
We started being more health-conscious
As a consequence of our desire for our son to be healthy (and our fears of not being there to raise him up ourselves), we have made a lot of changes for healthier living. My husband stopped smoking and we’re both trying to exercise more to lose weight. We’re skipping sodas and stopped letting junk food hang around the house. I don’t binge on chocolates anymore. We eat more fish and vegetables. We are now also more keenly aware that if one of us gets sick, it affects the family and stresses everyone in it. And so, we make one healthier choice each day and have taken to policing each other when we forget.
We’re learning more about each other
I certainly didn’t think it possible for my husband to master swaddling before I would, or that he would babywear better than I ever could. He, on the other hand, never thought he’d see the day I would exhibit patience. Or that I wasn’t totally tone deaf, I just needed practice.
What’s more, parenting together, watching our son grow up and sharing him with our relatives brought to fore stories of each other’s childhood. Forgotten memories of favorite toys, liminal moments growing up and influential people who touched us are remembered, helping us better understand where our partner is coming from.
In the end, it really is up to the couple whether a child, and all that it brings, will make or break their marriage. I am just thankful that my husband and I (along with many other couples), have chosen to celebrate the challenges and take from it what we can to make our partnership stronger. We may live with writings on the wall and broken appliances, but since we decided as a team that our home is a learning environment and not a museum, we end up far less stressed and more able to enjoy each other’s company. Thus, our marriage has been enriched far more than it was compromised by having a baby.
